After watching Tony Abbott’s campaign launch yesterday I’m pretty sure that this is no ordinary human being. We are electing a Time Lord to the prime ministership. Only a Time Lord, or human hybrid, could make such a speech without triggering a singularity event. I, for one, am grateful that the Federal Opposition has a tardis, lest the rift in the space/time continuum exact its revenge by sucking the Australian economy into a temporal vortex.
After six years of surplus worship, deficit bashing and hysteria in opposition, on the verge of government Mr Abbott has thrown it all aside and campaigned on a ten year agenda for which he clearly knows the outcome because he’s already visited Australia in 2023. From the AFR:
Tony Abbott has abandoned his intention to return the budget to surplus in the first term of a Coalition government, saying instead that voters would know before the 2016 election when the economy would be back in the black.
Launching the Liberal Party’s campaign in Brisbane on Sunday, the Opposition Leader outlined a 10-year timetable in which he promised to return the budget to a strong surplus of 1 per cent of GDP, by which time there may have been three more elections.
Mr Abbott also pushed out the timetable for meaningful tax reform, saying “if our vision is realised, within 10 years, Australia will have lower, simpler, fairer taxes”.
The surplus pledge, which economists warned would require greater fiscal discipline than is being shown now, was accompanied by a promise to remove the means test Labor placed on the 30 per cent private health insurance rebate at the same time the budget reached strong surplus.
Labor means-tested the rebate to ease the structural pressures on the budget and claimed after Mr Abbott’s speech that abolishing it would cost $4.4 billion a year in today’s money and drive the budget back into deficit.
Telling voters that neither Labor nor Kevin Rudd deserved to be re-elected after six years of poor government and internal fighting, Mr Abbott offered trust, surety and stability, saying “I won’t let you down”.
It is quite something to know that our future is in such safe hands. The passing juncture when policy was matched to measurable goals had formed a damaging kink in the fabric of the Australian lastingness and its imminent removal levels the temporaneous prospect ensuring future conformity with Time Lord acumen. In short, human, your fate is passing into a custodianship for which faith is all you need:
“By the end of a Coalition government’s first term, the budget will be on track to a believable surplus,” he said.
He said that within 100 days of being elected “the true state of Labor’s books will be revealed”.
“We will be a ‘no surprises, no excuses’ government,” he said
Having swept aside Davrudd and the dalek hord of debtbots, a Coalition firmament runs unabridged to eternal rapture and abundance. Even those counting on the abolition of the Private Health Insurance means test can be certain that the Time Lord’s sonic screwdriver will tweak the universal fabric to make all things possible.
And Dr Abbott does not travel alone. He is a fused entity, with the Gallifreyan Dr Truss, who also reads from the time travel manifesto:
Nationals Leader Warren Truss, who would become deputy prime minister in a coalition government, spoke next and announced a $300 million scheme to repair bridges.
The renewal program would complement a roads recovery scheme.
“The next Liberal-National government will be able to do for local bridges what Roads to Recovery has achieved for roads and streets,” Mr Truss said.
Mr Truss took aim at “six year of Labor rot” saying it was time for it to “stop”.
Mr Truss said the coalition welcomes foreign invetsment in Australia but not when it was contrary to the national interest.
He flagged an elected coalition government would lower the threshold at which the Foreign Investment Review Board was called in to scrutinise proposals.
A seamless amalgem of past and future: bridges to Saturn, China vanquished, irregularity erased, Australia unbound.
