Suck and blow

Off the bat; if you don’t want to smoke, be our guest. You have every right to deny yourself the abundant pleasure. One of our number is known to do so. He does so in the full knowledge that robbing himself of the pleasure is a poor trade-off against a premature, hideous death. The bogan, however, has figured out a way around this. Because the bogan is a wily beast, it doesn’t smoke any ordinary cigarettes. Those cigarettes that it used to smoke; they give you cancer, they’re dangerous, bad for the kiddies. No, the bogan smokes ‘Mild’ cigarettes. These cigarettes, you see, have less tar. So the bogan will live longer. It’s like smoking steam really. Steaming.

The major cigarette companies have recently been defending this bogan insight against a push by the government to introduce ‘plain packaging’ on cigarettes. These companies are making the simple, obvious case that this shouldn’t happen because it won’t achieve anything. We at Maxtreme Durry Services – a recently formed subsidiary of Maxtreme Consulting – agree, and beseech you to ignore the socialist propaganda! The repeated studies that have shown that bogans feel that ‘light’, ‘mild’, ‘menthol’ or ‘silver’ cigarettes (Marlboro Platinum cigarettes are at the R&D stage) are healthier than normal cigarettes are nothing more than the utterings of Hugo Chavez himself.

Yes, during blind bogan tests performed as a part of these research papers, bogans were noted as saying, after smoking the same cigarette twice, that the one in the lighter coloured packaging, or the one in the ‘mild’ pack tasted different from the first…somehow…healthier. However, we must note that during these same tests, the bogans were blind, that is, unable to see, which is hardly a fair basis for comparison, as any good capitalist knows.

Seeking a ‘healthier’ cigarette is a bogan’s God given right, after all, we know that lung cancer is far worse than say, melanoma. We suspect the Politburo in Canberra may have hatched a plot to reduce bogan numbers. Thankfully, the government is so weak that the cigarette lobby can now join the general corporate chorus to keep the bogan free.

We think the cigarette companies’ campaign is on the right track. The move to set up a web site that appeals directly to the bogan’s desire for its opinion to be heard, called ‘Your Right to be Heard’ was a masterstroke of marketing trumped this year only by the epic “UnAustralian” campaign of the righteous gambling interests. Sadly, the site only lasted  twenty minutes before being replaced by the more mundane “PlainPack“, which attempts to convince the bogan that it will cost ‘billions’ of bogan bucks (aka taxpayer dollars) to remove branding from one product. Bogan tax dollars are only a slightly less pungent issue than bogan freedom so we still see good prospects for the campaign.

In essence, the cigarette manufacturers’ argument has been this:

  • It will cost billions
  • We will halve the price of cigarettes (which would result in less than $2 per pack, as the smoker bogan already forks over its bogan bucks in the form of taxes on cigarettes)
  • It won’t work anyway; people will keep smoking (which is why we’re spending millions to stop it happening)
  • We will be forced to sell to children
  • People tobacco smugglers will run riot
  • It’s just not fair!

The bogan sees a lot of sense in these arguments. Why should it be robbed of the privilege to show the world that it belongs to the smoking elite by purchasing an $18 pack of Dunhill International Super Slim Mild Lights? The company behind the campaign clearly understands the bogan baiting trade, and the import of loud, obvious branding on the bogan’s purchasing decisions. Not to mention, the bogan’s right to better health. It’s also terribly handy that the so called ‘premium’ brand name cigarettes are enormously more profitable than those other ‘crappy’ cigarettes, which the bogan once used in its bong smoking mixes. One thing is for certain, as long as the tobacco companies keep stressing that the bogan’s precious taxpayer dollars are at stake and that a no-brand cigarette will make it less special, there is every chance that there will soon be a Marlboro Spring Carnival. And we all know how much the bogan loves an opportunity to suit up.

As always, Maxtreme Consulting stands ready to assist.

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  1. an honest question, when you rock up to coles and ask for a packet of Winnie Reds, how f****n long do ya reckon it will take the chick behind the counter to find ’em? and apart from the shelf ticket, surely they must have some small label on them at least to identify which ones the stoned junior bogan stock boy is putting on the shelf, where.

    there’s a market out there for convex transparent stickers to magnify them signatures of stature. Peter Stuyvesant soft pack, i beg your pardon.

  2. The whole idea is absurd.

    I do not smoke but the pathetic situation being played out is pointless.

    Wait till we get plain packaged alcohol… can you imagine how many bogans would want to taste test?

    • Yes but alcohol is life giving, due to it’s marvellous clothing removal properties! After all how are 17 year old mothers going to buy plasma tv’s with their baby bounus without the help of social lubricants?

      • Yes agree to a point.

        In fact I wish that were the point.

        Regretfully it is not, in my experience the main reason young women get pregnant boils down to deep rooted psychological problems.

        Alcohol is a simply an excuse.

        • “Regretfully it is not, in my experience the main reason young women get pregnant boils down to deep rooted psychological problems. ”

          And here were me thinking it had something to do with a Man’s sperm.

  3. Let the manufactures halve the price …claim a tax exemption,and
    the Bogan’s create bling in a non-mining sector..
    exporting cheap plain cigarettes…
    Next he builds a port..

    cheers JR

  4. Ban the use of nicotine in smokes – problem solved.

    20% of the population will have the sh$$$ts for a few weeks but they will cope.

    The most painful bit will be that if every one gives up who will the reformed smokers preach to?

    • I was going to suggest introducing a maximum nicotine level for cigaretts – intially, this would be whatever the 2nd highest level of nitcotine (16mg seems the highest, so 12mg?). And then the maximum is brought down by 2mg each year.

      Smokers are weaned off their nicotine addiction and are more easily able to quit, assuming they want to.

  5. relieved ex smoker

    The tobacco lobby have asserted that plain packaging will result in reduced tobacco prices, a consequence of tobacco companies having to compete on price rather than by other means.

    From the viewpoint of the hapless smoker, this sounds like an argument in favour of plain packaging.

    The obvious point is that if tobacco brands survive, tobacco products will be more expensive than would otherwise be the case.

    Were I still a smoker, I would be hoping for plain packaging laws to be promulgated at the earliest opportunity.

  6. May I have a packet of taxes please? Is the $5,000 million collected in tobacco taxes recycled, exclusively for the benefit of the said smoker? And are the benefits of this amount of money not deployed, compounded over time?

    Most smokers I have spoken to would agree to a total ban, instead of public services wage increases.

    Who is more addicted? The nicotine crowd, or the tax addicted?

    Go ahead, ban it completely and watch the Governments drive up tax elsewhere to compensate.

    Which is more destructive, a nicotine addict or a Government addict?

    Are my tobacco taxes being used to murder people in foreign wars?

    • “Governments drive up tax elsewhere to compensate.”

      Amazes me how dependent the Government is on taxes to shore up stupid promises and reckless spending.

      Politicians are not accountable for their actions and when the public wake up it is usually too late … whilst they retire on life superannuation.

      • It amazes you how depedent the government is dependent on taxes?

        Um, as opposed to income from what other sources?

        What amazes me how many idiots out there expect the government to lower taxes without going into budget defecit or cutting services.

    • Er… the government actually makes less on taxing tobacco than it does paying for the healthcare costs which arise from people smoking.

  7. A while back I enjoyed the spectacle of a nice looking woman about 55 yo chain smoking, drinking beer and concentratedly playing a slot machine. The devotion and pleasure she derived in losing money hand over fist was a psychologist’s dream.

  8. Anyone else here watch ‘The Gruen Transfer’ when it was on?

    It might be stating the obvious, but there are a hell of a lot of identical products that only sell by ‘tastier marketing’. Might be a precedent for the removal of a host of other useless marketing eg fast food advertising.

    The question is, do we prefer the nanny state or the ‘freedom’ of instructed consumerism? Because I don’t think smoking is a good idea, like a coffee addiction, maccas, kfc or dominos, but living like a saint all the time would suck. And I don’t really want to be punished by the state for something I already know is not good for me.

    ‘Are my tobacco taxes being used to murder people in foreign wars?’ I agree. If you want to see real blind addiction, tell someone in the West they might have to drive less or take public transport. Or go look at the replies to CeC.

  9. I’m an ex-smoker and think it’s a stupid habit. However, what I object to is government interference in our lives. The nanny-state has gotten bigger and bigger and will only keep getting bigger until people take a stand and say enough is enough.

    Forcing plain packaging on cigarettes is just another step on the long road to all powerful government. I for one am sick of it.

  10. Achtung!! Please write something humouresque about some or all of the following so that we can, in turn, make hilarious comments:

    Myfamily stickers on car windows (bwahahahahaha!)
    Macmansions, especially those without eaves.
    Black-coloured roofing and driveways
    The front porch (from Versailles, or Athens, or Rome or Tuscany or Londres)
    Two chickens in every pot, and four cars in every garage.
    Bald guys with pigtails (and tats – maybe)
    Hyundai drivers (and maybe KIA drivers – your choice)
    How to dig bigger and better holes
    American 4WDs with small tinted windows


  11. Just make smoking more SEXY,
    bogan men & women don’t understand sexualised males and won’t tolerate sexualised women.
    works better than plain packaging!:)

  12. @Medstudent; That’s a fairly common argument that fails to recognise that there is no such thing as a preventable death. There are only postponable deaths. Everybody will die, many from diseases more drawn out and expensive than lung cancer. Smoking doesn’t kill taxpayers, it kills pensioners. The government’s not going to outlaw a habit that kills you just as you switch from asset to liability.