Off the bat; if you don’t want to smoke, be our guest. You have every right to deny yourself the abundant pleasure. One of our number is known to do so. He does so in the full knowledge that robbing himself of the pleasure is a poor trade-off against a premature, hideous death. The bogan, however, has figured out a way around this. Because the bogan is a wily beast, it doesn’t smoke any ordinary cigarettes. Those cigarettes that it used to smoke; they give you cancer, they’re dangerous, bad for the kiddies. No, the bogan smokes ‘Mild’ cigarettes. These cigarettes, you see, have less tar. So the bogan will live longer. It’s like smoking steam really. Steaming.
The major cigarette companies have recently been defending this bogan insight against a push by the government to introduce ‘plain packaging’ on cigarettes. These companies are making the simple, obvious case that this shouldn’t happen because it won’t achieve anything. We at Maxtreme Durry Services – a recently formed subsidiary of Maxtreme Consulting – agree, and beseech you to ignore the socialist propaganda! The repeated studies that have shown that bogans feel that ‘light’, ‘mild’, ‘menthol’ or ‘silver’ cigarettes (Marlboro Platinum cigarettes are at the R&D stage) are healthier than normal cigarettes are nothing more than the utterings of Hugo Chavez himself.
Yes, during blind bogan tests performed as a part of these research papers, bogans were noted as saying, after smoking the same cigarette twice, that the one in the lighter coloured packaging, or the one in the ‘mild’ pack tasted different from the first…somehow…healthier. However, we must note that during these same tests, the bogans were blind, that is, unable to see, which is hardly a fair basis for comparison, as any good capitalist knows.
Seeking a ‘healthier’ cigarette is a bogan’s God given right, after all, we know that lung cancer is far worse than say, melanoma. We suspect the Politburo in Canberra may have hatched a plot to reduce bogan numbers. Thankfully, the government is so weak that the cigarette lobby can now join the general corporate chorus to keep the bogan free.
We think the cigarette companies’ campaign is on the right track. The move to set up a web site that appeals directly to the bogan’s desire for its opinion to be heard, called ‘Your Right to be Heard’ was a masterstroke of marketing trumped this year only by the epic “UnAustralian” campaign of the righteous gambling interests. Sadly, the site only lasted twenty minutes before being replaced by the more mundane “PlainPack“, which attempts to convince the bogan that it will cost ‘billions’ of bogan bucks (aka taxpayer dollars) to remove branding from one product. Bogan tax dollars are only a slightly less pungent issue than bogan freedom so we still see good prospects for the campaign.
In essence, the cigarette manufacturers’ argument has been this:
- It will cost billions
- We will halve the price of cigarettes (which would result in less than $2 per pack, as the smoker bogan already forks over its bogan bucks in the form of taxes on cigarettes)
- It won’t work anyway; people will keep smoking (which is why we’re spending millions to stop it happening)
- We will be forced to sell to children
- People tobacco smugglers will run riot
- It’s just not fair!
The bogan sees a lot of sense in these arguments. Why should it be robbed of the privilege to show the world that it belongs to the smoking elite by purchasing an $18 pack of Dunhill International Super Slim Mild Lights? The company behind the campaign clearly understands the bogan baiting trade, and the import of loud, obvious branding on the bogan’s purchasing decisions. Not to mention, the bogan’s right to better health. It’s also terribly handy that the so called ‘premium’ brand name cigarettes are enormously more profitable than those other ‘crappy’ cigarettes, which the bogan once used in its bong smoking mixes. One thing is for certain, as long as the tobacco companies keep stressing that the bogan’s precious taxpayer dollars are at stake and that a no-brand cigarette will make it less special, there is every chance that there will soon be a Marlboro Spring Carnival. And we all know how much the bogan loves an opportunity to suit up.
As always, Maxtreme Consulting stands ready to assist.