UnAustralian!

The phrase UnAustralian has long resonated deeply with the bogan. The bogan knows that it is Australian; indeed, the best kind of Australian. Anyone who disagrees with things the bogan likes is therefore not Australian. QED. However, something has occurred this week that gives us pause, as we consider the possible death of one of the classic bogan-baiting calls of all time. This is kind of like when Liberace died.

Much has been made of the success (and phenomenal ROI) of the mining companies’ campaign against the MRRT, or RSPT, or GREAT BIG ROCK TAX (GBRT) of late, as for a piddling investment of about $22 million, the likes of Rio Tinto, BHP, and Xstrata managed to put the kybosh on a tax that would have cost them as much as $100 billion. Such a meagre investment was all that was required to convince sufficient bogans that their well-being, their incomes, their VERY WAY OF LIFE was at threat because the government sought to tax the extraction of goods that were technically part bogan-owned in the first place.

Do the maths, because the Australian Leisure and Hospitality Group (ALH) certainly have. In other words, Woolworths have. Woolies, who own 75% of the ALH and over 10,000 pokie machines nationally, are ready to take their case to the bogan. They have witnessed the value for money on offer in convincing bogans to act against their own interests, and, in tandem with the Australian Hotels Association (AHA), are ready to punch out a $20 million propaganda campaign to convince the bogan that its happiness and well-being are conditional upon allowing large corporations to run armies of one-arm bandits. Because, like all canny operators in a bogan-facing sector, Woolies have learned that to gamble on the bogan’s stupidity is to make a sure bet.

When the bogan is off capitalising on its $1 litre of milk, it will not pause to consider that this is being subsidised by its grandmother in Armidale, who is tossing the fortnightly pension cheque at Woolworths’ 10,000 machines. Such is the callous ability of the bogan to selectively ignore causality and dwell in the fleeting present. The same callousness is however visibly absent when it is faced with the possibility of having to pay $1 more for a pot of beer so that 300,000 people have a significantly reduced chance of blowing their life savings into a slot attached to a shiny box.

While the likes of Nick Xenophon (that wog bloke) and Andrew Wilkie (that weather bloke) have attempted to combat the situation with facts and common sense, the bogan cares not. After all, they are nothing but greedy politicians looking to curry favour from people that are not bogans. Despite its reasoning faculties being significantly truncated, it knows that there are more bogans than non-bogans which means that it can get pretty much anything that it wants. Even if it means condoning a crippling social malaise that has irreparably damaged tens of thousands of households in its own neighbourhood. What is far more important is its God given right to cheap dairy and beer.

One of the bogan’s true strengths is its ability to tactically ignore facts when those facts are inconvenient to it achieving the requisite amount of awesome, and nowhere is this more pronounced than when gambling. The (Un)Productivity Commission recently declared that 1 per cent of the country’s adult population (130,000 people) are estimated to have severe problems with gambling, while an additional 160,000 adults are estimated to have moderate problems. To the bogan this can only mean one thing. That 290,000 gamblers lost that day, 130,000 of them, the whole dole cheque.

It is this sort of cognitive convolution that  the ALH and friends are clearly keen to exploit, And why not? The bogan knows that it has a God given right to blow its “freedom to make individual choices” on the one arm bandit.

As can be seen in the adjacent graph, the average Australian spends about 4% of her disposable income on some form of gambling or other. The Boganic Australian, however, top that by a further 50%, indicating their greater predilection for speculation on investments with terrible odds of success and no real information about the topic they’re betting on.

Moreover, the bogan wants to bet to the maxtreme, hence the love affair with the insatiable pokie. As the below graph demonstrates, pokies allow the bogan to gamble at a more maxtreme rate than all other, less awesome forms of gambling.  And the bogan knows, the more it attempts something, the higher its odds of success.

Hence, it is infuriating to the bogan that its rights will be taken from it because of the bludging of poorer people than itself. As a result, the clubs and pokies industry figured they were on a sure thing spending a lazy 20 million convincing the bogan to protect its right to gamble.

On this occasion however, we at Boganomics, just today incorporated as Maxtreme Consulting Services Inc, must report that they are wrong.

It’s not because the cause isn’t worthy. Fleecing the bogan of its housing generated wealth is clearly a well-trodden and noble path in Australian corporate endeavour. Nor is it that the bogan isn’t ripe for the picking. The female Bogan in particular has worn an oversized buttock template in the local barstool.

No, the problem is the ALH, or its advertising cronies, have UnAustralianed themselves out of the game with their ad strategy. Let us explain.

All of the advertising associated with the UnAustralian campaign represents the bogan as a battler (see below). Nothing could be further from the truth. The modern bogan is a bludger, that sees herself as a battler. A subtle but crucial difference that means the bogans’ cringe gene cannot be stimulated by images of itself as a local loser. Only upward looking envy can evoke the requisite spirit of self-destruction in the bogan that the ALH campaign requires. The bogan is aspirational, as Honest John Howard understood so well. The trousers with a barstool imprint that are hanging in the female bogan’s cupboard are from Country Road, not Lowes.

The mining campaign understood this implicitly with its smooth-talking array of Eureka bogans defending the right of their brethren to strike it rich. If it hopes to succeed, ALH must immediately pull its campaign and reshoot it with a handpicked set of bogans-made-good. We suggest Charlie Sheen and Pamela Anderson, both of whom, we believe, are available. A scene in which Chuck pours a river of five cent coins into Pam’s cleavage should do the trick nicely.

We strongly recommend that the ALH and AHA teams get in touch with Maxtreme Media, a recently formed subsidiary of Maxtreme Consulting. It is not too late to turn around this worthy cause. Moreover, we fear that to not do so risks destroying the UnAustralian gambit once and for all. It is therefore a threat to the very future of the share of profits in the economy. Such an outcome would be, well, bloody UnAustralian.

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Comments

  1. I’m going to front the corporates with a new product idea.

    As we know The Bogan likes to use its house as ATM and it also likes to gamble.

    My product is an electronic attachment to any shopfront that automatically withdraws The Bogan’s equity and flushes it.

    Operation will be simple and familiar with the use of a “one arm bandit” lever. The Bogan can simply walk by and crank the handle to lose some more equity and release endorphins.

    I call it the “EquiddyMate”TM.

  2. This sh*t is hilarious!!

    Thanks Boganomics for breaking up the heavy stuff with a bit of humour..

    I’m off to get my licence to pee on a tree.

  3. It’ll never happen.
    Pollies private wealth fund, the ironically named ‘Future Fund’ have too much invested in Woolies, to want to miss out on gran’s pension cheque.

  4. I’m gobsmacked. I haven’t been paying much attention to this stuff in the news and could hardly believe my eyes and ears watching that ad. Are we really THIS dumb? I thought boganomics was a good laugh but this is serious, its like our population needs brain surgery. First buying crappy old houses at ANY price, now this?? Lets fight for our right to gamble? Surely there are more noble causes to pursue?

        • No mate – it’s the product of a dumbed culture produced by dumbed down corporate media and dumbed down corporate politics. Education barely gets a look in.

          • Sorry Slim, the (un)education (dis)system deserves some of the responsibility. On the whole, there are too many stoopid teachers.

    • “…its like our population needs brain surgery.”

      Perhaps, “…its like our population needs a brain.”

  5. …should make a license to buy a house. Do a short course educating you on the fact that houses can and DO fall in price, and its not a one-way bet. Only then can you buy…

  6. A great idea that needs to be escalated so that you need a licence in order to have kids – you know little boganomes.

  7. Judging by that video life is clearly hard for many of 21st Century bogans. Due to the painful economic reforms of the Hawke/Keating and early Howard years the bogan no longer has the option of working an exciting manufacturing job for 50 hours each week. Instead the bogan is forced to work in an air conditioned office and wear a suit. It clearly finds this situation boring and can only be made bearable by buying beer which is subsidised by lesser bogans who have a gambling addiction.

  8. I have bet on horses extensively (then stopped when the trainer giving me inside fixes dies and the jockey in the other camp moved on).

    I trade derivatives (futures, FX, and Options).

    I play poker and blackjack.

    Played at Atlantic City, Vegas etc

    But have NEVER, ever put a coin in those machines.

    WTF is going on here (?). Its a losers game.

    • heh, Yep, I recall a quote from someone more sharp and pithy than I “Poker Machines are just a tax on those who failed maths at school”… or that was the gist of it anyway. hehe

      Loved this article though. Man – it is funny but, damn, so true at the same time!

    • Yeah it is a stupid pass time but you don’t think if the Gambling hating wowsers ban the pokies all together they won’t come for your vices next?

      Don’t get me wrong I think the pokies are out of control and need to be wound back and regulated tighter, but I don’t trust Wilke, Xenophon, the Greens or the religious wowsers glovepuppeting them on this topic either. What else will the ban ‘for our own good’.

  9. So the ‘everyman’ pokie player is an emotionally stunted, V8 loving, fast-food gutsing, lazy, unproductive, family avoiding, politically and socially ignorant slob. At last, truth in advertising. I thought it’d never happen.

  10. FrankieFourFingers

    This might be fitting. These are real student responses to the “Language Spoken” section of a popular secondary college enrolment form:

    LANGUAGE_SPOKEN
    AUSSIE
    AUST
    AUST SLANG
    AUSTRAILIAN
    AUSTRALIA
    AUSTRALIAN
    AUSTRALIAN ENGLISH
    TASMANIAN

  11. After watching that idiotic video my reasoning faculties have been significantly truncated.

    Great article though – it’s reassuring to see my unexpressed feeling towards the majority of this countries’ inhabitants so eloquently presented in this column.

  12. In a bizarre twist (perhaps in some strange, diliberate, ingenious covert sabotage mission), Crikey journalist Andrew Crook today revealed that the star of Clubs Australia’s “its un-Australian” campaign is a staunch opponent of gambling who has decried “Lotto Jockeys lodging their mortgage busting dreams” and blasted the horror of unemployed punters mindlessly feeding their dole cheques into poker machines.

    Geoff Forrester, aka former Triple J performance poet Tug Dumbly, appears as “Mike” in online and TV ads plugging the Clubs’ campaign, dubbed the worst television advertisement in Australian history.

    Truth really is stranger than, well, nonsense…

      • Or maybe that what the hipsters wanted to hear when he was on JJJ and he doesn’t either way.

        You assume he ever had a soul?

        He worked for JJJ, so the evidence points to no…

  13. Bogo Mate!
    You seem to have missed the point.

    TAX

    The Bogan is volunteering to pay TAX.
    Please, do NOT disturb his pleasure!!

  14. Wait, seriously, is this a proper ad or some sort of comedic piss-take or something?

    Sorry, I don’t really watch telly, so I’m not up on this stuff.

  15. Someone mentioned Future Fund

    Bogan gamblers are in charge of that money as we speak and you are not welcome to know how they are investing it. They won’t say.

    but upwards of 20 percent of the entire fund is being gambled on the forex markets according to a recent preqin sovereign wealth fund report.

    Just like mining royalties though, you have “no right” to know what is being done with your own money. No right to know how much the miners pay per project for the minerals/energy they take. No right to know what the Future Fund does with your billions.