Below is an excellent satire post from MB reader Erin Rolandsen, CEO of Angelassist and author of beyondtheragemachine.substack.com:
With Christmas approaching, many parents are once again facing the annual dilemma: What gift best prepares my child for the world they are inheriting?
Toys that encourage imagination? Books that inspire curiosity? Or perhaps something more realistic.
This year, why not consider a Government Inaction Figure™—the perfect educational toy for young Australians who will grow up navigating systems where nobody is ever responsible, nothing can be changed, and all outcomes are regrettable but inevitable.
Each figure comes fully articulated with pre-programmed phrases such as:
- “We’re following the rules.”
- “These matters are outside our remit.”
- “It’s not something the government directly controls.”
- “We acknowledge community concerns.”
- “We’ll take that on notice.”
Despite appearances, these figures are not broken. They are operating exactly as designed.
Accessory Pack: The Travel Allowance Set
Recent news has highlighted concerns around parliamentary travel allowances—concerns which, we are assured, are unfounded because everything complied with the rules.
What the Government Inaction Figure™ helpfully omits to mention is that the rules in question were:
- Written by the government
- Interpreted by the government
- Policed by the government
But don’t worry—this is all part of the educational experience.
Children learn an important civic lesson early:
When you control the rules, accountability becomes optional.
The figure does not come with a mirror accessory.
Expansion Pack: Migration Numbers Not Included
Another popular add-on is the Migration Isn’t Something We Control™ module.
Press the button and watch the figure explain, with a straight face, that:
- Mass immigration is a necessary phenomenon
- Policy settings are more like weather patterns, something we can attempt to forecast but ultimately out of our control
- Our three million temporary residents do NOT increase demand on housing, health or transport
- Any suggestion otherwise is xenophobic and undermines social cohesion
This add-on is especially popular in households where children may one day wonder why housing, infrastructure, wages, and population growth never quite seem to be planned together.
Watch your children’s amazement when the figure reassures them that migration is both essential and uncontrollable, deliberate and accidental, planned and entirely unforeseen.
Deluxe Set: The Housing Crisis Edition
Pair your Government Inaction Figure™ with the Housing Crisis Playset, featuring:
- Endless inquiries
- Consultations with predefined outcomes
- Announcements of announcements
- And a helpful “market forces” fog machine
Children can spend hours recreating real-world scenarios where every affordability lever exists, but none can be pulled.
Be amused as your children discover that no matter which button is pressed, the figure steps forward, nods gravely and pushes the market ever higher.
What This Toy Teaches
Unlike outdated toys that promote leadership or responsibility, the Government Inaction Figure™ prepares children for modern governance by teaching them:
- Authority without accountability
- Power without responsibility
- Rules without ownership
- Outcomes without authors
It’s the perfect companion for a generation that will be told, repeatedly, that everything is regrettable, complex and not something anyone could have anticipated.
Available This Christmas
The Government Inaction Figure™ is available in all major political colours and comes with a reassuring guarantee:
For any faults, please refer to the previous government.
No assembly required.
