Morrison announces Marshmallow Storm to fight China

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It is a breakthrough technology. Using an electronic propulsion and launch system derived from Australian intellectual property, Marshmallow Storm rains sticky, roasted, sugar bombs upon enemy infantry. The effect is threefold:

  • The enemy immediately stops its advance to feast upon the confectionary making them easy targets for an entrenched defensive position armed with the Australian Defense Force’s new generation longbow.
  • The enemy eats so many roasted marshmallows that his swollen abdomen slows him further.
  • The smoldering marshmallow forms a sticky “fly trap” in which the enemy troops are bogged down and easily picked off.

Marshmallow Storm is the brainchild of Australian National Interest Strategy (ANIS), a partnership between the Santos-led east coast gas cartel and the Morrison Government. ANIS is a cutting-edge public/private partnership.

Marshmallow Storm has been designed to fill the capability gap that has developed as Australia phases out its dated explosives manufacturing capacity:

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A sizeable chunk of the workforce at Incitec Pivot’s Brisbane site has been plunged into uncertainty after the $6bn fertiliser giant said it was shutting its Gibson Island manufacturing operations next year.

Monday’s shock announcement comes less than a month after a high-profile tour of the Gibson Island site by Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk and mining magnate turned green entrepreneur Andrew “Twiggy” Forrest, whose Fortescue Future Industries (FFI) is exploring whether Incitec’s operations can both run on and produce hydrogen.

That study will continue to progress and could be key to whether the Gibson Island manufacturing operations can be repurposed.

Incitec on Monday announced the closure after failing to secure a viable long-term gas supply deal, with 170 employees expected to be “impacted”.

The ASX-listed ammonia and urea producer has been contacted to confirm what “impacted” means, including whether these will be redundancies, redeployments or something else.

Incitec has, however, already factored in an $83.5m cost for redundancies and plant decommissioning for the 50-year-old site.

“It is disappointing for our people and Australian manufacturing that we could not reach a suitable commercial gas supply agreement,” managing director and chief executive Jeanne Johns said in a note to shareholders.

The Australian Petroleum Production and Exploration Association said the closure of Incitec Pivot’s Gibson Island manufacturing operations was a “matter entirely for them and their shareholders”, particularly when the announcement comes at a time when they are managing more than $100m in announced impairments on their plants since February.

It is understood that Marshmallow Storm will be added to Australia’s list of restricted exports to ensure an ongoing strategic advantage. The technology will be shared with the Anglospheric partners via AUKUS.

“This technology is far too dangerous to fall into the wrong hands”, said Defence Minister Peter Dutton.

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“As a proud Queenslander, I am thrilled for the people of Brisbane who can now sleep better at night knowing that Australia is transitioning from an explosives based defence platform to a marshmallow based future. ANIS forecasts 30k new jobs in sugar production.”

“The Australian Government is also launching its new “indentured visa” for Pacific Islanders today which guarantees citizenship upon death after a penniless life. This will ensure the production of sugar is sufficient to protect the nation and region”.

“Marshmallow Storm is another example of how the Morrison Government is protecting the Australian national interest from the evils of a Labor Party that planned gas reservation and would have yoked Australia to backward-looking explosives technology”, said the minister.

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It is expected that the weaponised confectionary will be installed across Australia’s top end through 2075.

About the author
David Llewellyn-Smith is Chief Strategist at the MB Fund and MB Super. David is the founding publisher and editor of MacroBusiness and was the founding publisher and global economy editor of The Diplomat, the Asia Pacific’s leading geo-politics and economics portal. He is also a former gold trader and economic commentator at The Sydney Morning Herald, The Age, the ABC and Business Spectator. He is the co-author of The Great Crash of 2008 with Ross Garnaut and was the editor of the second Garnaut Climate Change Review.