The Strayan: Morrison Government launches “WomanListener”

Sir Fomo McSpruikerson is an expatriate billionaire and proud proprietor of The Strayan, a vanity media project designed to boost his assets.

Flood-damaged Western Sydney houses snapped up by savvy investors

House prices in Western Sydney have sky rocketed the past week, after flash flooding destroyed parts of the city and left a trail of destruction.

However, private sales are booming already according to Domain, with water-damaged properties going for well above reserve price, just 24 hours after the event.

High rise units made a spectacular rebound after months of falls, with units up over 35% in some parts along the Hawkesbury River.

“What we’re seeing now is high rise apartments that are above the waterline are going up in value,” a spokesman for Domain said.

“Sure, the structures are now likely compromised so you need to get in quick before we have another Opal!”

Lucy Turnbull said that not all was lost, and that the Greater Sydney Commission would now look at rezoning flood affected areas as “high density to help with the relocation of affected individuals.”

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Property Council of Australia releases “How to run for local council” guide for property developers

The Property Council of Australia has released a new book entitled “How to run for local council” to much fanfare.

The book is a “detailed guide to how to run for local council, for all those aspiring property developers looking to take their careers and cash to the next level.”

Melbourne Lord Mayor Sally Capp, who co-authored the book, said it was about time someone put it in writing.

“It’s been an unwritten agreement that the second job of a property developer is to run for local council,” Capp told The Strayan.

“We really think that property developers give back to the community, especially if the infrastructure isn’t there to support it. I think the community is best placed to deal with those matters.”

The book advises aspiring property developers on how to get elected to council, greasing palms of the electorate and how to rezone everywhere into high density. It is understood that the book is already sold out in the City of Melbourne, with Moreland and Sydney City Council mandating that candidates must have read the book before running for office.

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Frydenberg announces end of Job Keeper with the beginning of “I can’t believe it’s not Job Keeper”

Treasurer Josh Frydenberg has announced that Job Keeper will cease as predicted at the end of March.

However, Frydenberg has also announced that a new program entitled “I can’t believe it’s not Job Keeper” will commence from the beginning of April. Frydenberg said there will be strict caveats on access to the new program, keeping in line with keeping Australia’s economy strong.

“Only those with at least one mortgage will be able to access the payments, so those losers still renting or with savings are excluded from the program,” Frydenberg told The Strayan.

“It’s our way of saying thank you to the aspirational classes who have kept our economy ticking during these tough times.”

The payments can be used on mortgage repayments or at places such as Harvey Norman and Myer, who have been announced as an official partner of the program, as confirmed by Solomon Lew yesterday.

Phil Lowe has expressed the RBA’s support for the program and is rumoured to be preparing it’s own “I can’t believe it’s not QE” for the end of the financial year.

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MRI scan unable to detect any kind of personality in Jim Chalmers

The ALP is reeling tonight after an MRI scan has failed to detect any semblance of personality in federal MP Jim Chalmers.

Chalmers, who was undergoing a candidate medical screening in anticipation of the upcoming federal election, was notified of the results after taking the test in Canberra. Chalmers allegedly displayed no reaction to the results and went back to work straight after the medical exam.

Anthony Albanese stated that Jim was in good spirits and was not deterred on his re-election campaign.

“We haven’t had a candidate this monotone and devoid of personality in quite some time,” Albanese told The Strayan.

“He really personifies the empty suit “apparatchik’s apparatchik” the defines the globalist-lite direction of the 2021 ALP. If I lose to him in a leadership challenge though, what does that say about me?”

Chalmers said he was already back to work and working hard to shatter the mould of an ALP candidate not having any real-life experience, starting with a tour of rural Queensland with Bob Brown beginning next week.

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Morrison launches WomanListener device

As Morrison Government polling tumbles in the wake of serial sexual assault, harassment and lewd behaviour scandals, Prime Minister Scott Morrison has launched a major new policy initiative labeled “WomanListener”.

The forthcoming May budget will allocate $3k to the construction of a groundbreaking “female feelings” detection device. A 5m diameter paper cup will be suspended above PM&C and attached to string running 300kms north and 600kms south to equally sized cups suspended from the Centerpoint Tower in Sydney and Rialto in Melbourne.

It is hoped that the new system will give the Morrison Government a new early detection system for when women get upset.

“The technology is world-class,” Morrison chief-of-staff, John Kunkel, told The Strayan exclusively.

“It will enable the PM to listen much more intently and ‘read the room’ much earlier when Australian women’s feeling are hurt. Let’s face it, they’re pretty irrational and a mystery to us”.

WomanListener will be placed under the watch of a new Department of Women’s Feelings to be governed by special co-ministers of state Christian Porter and Linda Reynolds.

It is expected to be in operation as soon as both return from furlough associated with rape allegations.

David Llewellyn-Smith
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Comments

  1. Ronin8317MEMBER

    For the woman listening device, it won’t be 3K, more like 300 million!! That’s how much the government pays for a piece of string these day. (see COVIDSafe app )

  2. Now that is some funnay about old mate Dim Chalmers, GOD he is Dim.

    Dim Jim
    Dim Jim likes Dim Sims whilst listening to Slim
    Dear old dead Slim has more Vim than Dim Jim

  3. kierans777MEMBER

    “Only those with at least one mortgage will be able to access the payments, so those losers still renting or with savings are excluded from the program,” Frydenberg told The Strayan.

    That sounds like something he would say.