Sir Fomo McSpruikerson is an expatriate billionaire and proud proprietor of The Strayan, a vanity media project designed to boost his assets.
Xi Jinping announces CCP will hold 6th plenary session in Perth in 2021
The Chinese Communist Party has announced that it’s 5th plenary session will be held in Perth, Western Australia after the McGowan Government cruised to a crushing victory in the recent WA state election.
President Xi Jinping made the announcement in Beijing overnight, as the WA government looks to increase it’s relationship with China in the wake of it’s win at the polls.
“I am pleased to announce that the CCP will hold it’s first ever session in one of it’s great colon-er, countries it partners with,” Jinping said in a statement.
McGowan came under attack over the timing of the announcement, after WA parliament emails were hacked overnight by China.
“I think we can put that down to a little misunderstanding,” McGowan said.
“I’ve spoken with Pierre Yang who assures me that this is in the best interest of Western Australia and that the long-term partnership is one of peace and mutual benefit.”
Rumored topics to be discussed include a PLAN base in Port Hedland and the infamous CBD Bell Tower to be demolished and a 30-foot-tall statue of Chairman Mao to be constructed in it’s place.
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Returning Australians to be forced to two weeks fruit picking in regional Australia instead of hotel quarantine
Australian citizens returning from hotel quarantine will be put to work picking fruit in regional Australia, after the LNP reached an agreement with the National Farmers Federation.
Prime Minister Scott Morrison made the announcement this morning. Under the plan, Australians can waive their costs of hotel quarantine by picking fruit for 14 hours a day in a remote location. Those that refuse to do so may be forced to work in farms anyway, with details yet to be confirmed.
“We have listened to the backlash of denying Australians flights home in place of skilled migrants and fruit pickers and we have responded,” Morrison said.
“It’s a win-win for Australia. We socialise the cost of hotel quarantine elsewhere, the farmers get their slave, er, fairly priced labour and Australians get to come home.”
“Think of it as these chains being the way out of slavery,” Agricultural Minister David Littleproud told the Strayan.
“Australia is unofficially the world’s longest running penal colony with a proud history of bending the knee to government authority, I expect this will be no different and they will do as they’re told.”
The first workers are set to go to regional Victoria next work.
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RBA backs new legislation giving jail time to people with cash deposits in banks
The Reserve Bank of Australia has sounded it’s support for new legislation, aimed at punishing Australians who have cash in a savings account at a bank.
The legislation would see Australians with cash deposits over $100 being given jail time, with the option of life imprisonment for those with deposits of $100,000 or more.
“The key to a thriving economy is debt and those that are prudent savers need to be held accountable for the horrendous damage they have caused the economy,” RBA governor Phil Lowe told the Strayan.
“We’ve dilligently done everything we can to uphold our strong economic position, particularly since 2008. However, there still seems to be some heretics that refuse to take on large debts to sustain our economy and they need to be dealt with accordingly.”
The RBA says it is also considering supporting laws mandating mortgages for Australians by the age of 25.
The legislation is set to be introduced by Treasurer Josh Frydenberg into the lower house next week.
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Australia’s group of 8 universities launch new ‘Group of 8 Real Estate” Agency
Australia’s top 8 universities have launched their own national real estate agency, in an effort to diversify their services in the post COVID era.
Dubbed “Group of 8 Real Estate” the venture is the brainchild of University of Melbourne Vice-Chancellor Duncan Maskell, who’s university has been hardest hit by reductions in international student and border closures.
“Arguably we already are Australia’s largest real estate agency and property developer. It’s surprising that no-one had thought of this before but given our educational product, it’s not really that surprising,” Maskell told the Strayan.
Recently laid off teaching staff would be given a real estate licence as part of any redundancy package and retained staff would be offered commissions for sales of apartments to students, as part of their employment contract.
“We are also looking at an apartment/degree/permanent residency package as part of our initial offerings, but the details are yet to be worked out,” Maskell said.
It is understood Liz “Dr Demography” Allen has enthusiastically supported the move and will be the Principal of ANU’s branch in Canberra.
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Daniel Andrews on extended leave after revelation he slipped stepping out of Lindsay Fox’s spa bath
Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews has refused to comment on revelations that his recent accident which resulted in hospitalisation, was a result of a slip getting out of a spa bath at a property owned by billionaire Lindsay Fox.
New photos obtained by the Strayan show Fox escorting Andrews in a bath robe to the Ambulance outside his Portsea mansion, with several other key Melbourne business figures also identified in the photo.
Andrews has come under fire in recent months after an investigation by The Age alleged collusion on business deal between himself and Fox. Acting Premier James Merlino said that the matter is private and he’ll be addressing the matter at the appropriate time.
“Mr Andrews won’t be holding a press conference and has told me via telephone that he doesn’t accept the premises of any questions related to this matter,” Merlino told the Strayan.
“Lindsay has been a titan of industry, particularly in subcontracting migrants in the transport industry and in industrial relations reform in Victoria. We ask you respect his privacy.”
Fox has refused to comment on the matter, as he was believed to be doing a deal for Avalon Airport under the current One Belt, One Road agreement.
