The Strayan: ScoMo calls Royal Commission into Royal Commissions

Sir Fomo McSpruikerson is an expatriate billionaire and proud proprietor of The Strayan, a vanity media project designed to boost his assets.

Morrison announces FuelKeeper for strategic reserve in Antarctica

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has announced that he will respond to the recent announcement of closures of the Exxon refinery in Altona with a new FuelKeeper plan.

The new FuelKeeper proposal will see the Australian Government subsidise people’s petrol purchases, further supported by an increased 35% tax on electric vehicles. The plan also comes with a plan to construct a new strategic fuel reserve in Antarctica, in addition to the proposed strategic reserve in Texas.

“Energy security may have been a lazy, bipartisan screw-up for the last 30 years but we intend to change that,” Morrison said.

“The solution will be implementing our proud cultural tradition of getting someone else to do something. This will include opposing nuclear but selling uranium to other countries, outsourcing everything we can to private sector rent-seekers and relying on America to bail us out every time because we don’t like wearing the risk.”

Morrison scoffed at suggestions that the proposal was doomed to fail and Australia was at risk of supply risk.

“Aside from one naval blockade by the PLAN in the Straits of Malacca that could bring us to a complete standstill, our supply chains are the strongest in the world.”

Former Member for Altona and PM Julia Gillard announced that she planned to publicly lobby to rectify the energy crisis, with a series of speeches on gender equality to the now redundant workers at the Altona Refinery this week.

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Internal chaos hits the ALP after Albanese gatecrashes Rudd’s public relations walk in Brisbane

Chaos erupted in the Australian Labor Party this week after former PM Kevin Rudd accused leader Anthony Albanese of gatecrashing a public relations walk in Brisbane last week.

Despite Albanese maintaining that the event was designed was purely scheduled for him to raise his persona prior to a rumoured election, Rudd remained defiant that it was indeed Albanese who had gatecrashed Rudd’s stunt.

“I happened to be there first and then Albo turns up with an Akubra and I thought, this bastard is trying to ratf*ck me,” Rudd said.

“This was my idea and I had originally planned to bring Jim Chalmers as the bloke has the personality of a brick wall, which would focus the attention back on me.”

Albanese rejected suggestions that the stunt was worse than Tanya Plibersek’s fake ambushing of Craig Kelly with anecdotes of her mother last week.

“Look, it’s blatantly obvious that we’re trying to become popular in Queensland. Slapping the Akubra on and using ocker vernacular to try and appear working class may have been first class cringe, but that’s standard 2021 Labor,” Albanese said.

Albanese remained tight-lipped on whether any other ALP members had any media stunts planned for the week, with rumours afoot that Penny Wong was planning to hire a camera crew to publicly sneer at an unnamed LNP member.

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Survey conducted by immigration lobby group says most Australians support mass immigration

A recent survey has found that most Australians support the re-opening of Australia’s borders and continuing mass immigration, according to an immigration lobby group.

The Scanlon Foundation says its survey of 1000 business leaders in real estate showed unanimous support for Australia’s mass immigration economy and that efforts to re-open the borders should continue as a matter of priority.

It also found 5 out of 5 property developers says immigration greatly enhances the public’s quality of life and that zoning restrictions on wealthy inner-city suburbs from over-development should remain in place.

“It just confirmed what we already knew, mass immigration is great for growth,” property developer Shane Geha told The Strayan from his seveteen-bedroom mansion in Hawthorn.

“I lived in a seven-bedroom slum 30 years ago, so I too identify with the struggles of the Australian working class when it comes to overcrowding. However, they need to understand that growth is necessary and inevitable and they need to get on the property ladder otherwise they will miss out.”

The survey also found that the Greater Western Sydney area could easily support another 5 million migrants in the next 5 years, and that consideration should be given to begin construction of estates in the Blue Mountains immediately.

Land reclamation directly off the Opera House was another policy idea floated.

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RBA announces purchase of new fleet of helicopters in preparation for next round of quantitative easing

The Reserve Bank of Australia has announced that it has purchased a new fleet of Chinook helicopters, in preparation for the rollout of the next round of Quantitative Easing.

The fleet will be deployed primarily to the apartment-heavy suburbs of Melbourne and Sydney, but also to other capital cities in a bid to boost the Australian property market.

The helicopters were purchased second hand from the United States, after consultation with Jerome Powell. Lowe said the move was long overdue, admitting the RBA had stuffed up every economic response in the last ten years.

“We figured we may as well just go balls out and start throwing money from the sky,” Lowe told The Strayan.

“We’ve thrown it at absolutely everything property related, so why not just throw it directly onto the properties themselves?”

A naming ceremony will commence for the helicopters next week, with rumoured names including “To The Moon”, “Don’t Talk Down the Market”, “Land: God Ain’t makin’ Any More Of It”, Rent money Is Dead Money”, and “Housing Boom McHousing Boomface” are among the early favourites.

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Coalition announces Royal Commission into Royal Commissions

The Morrison government has announced that they will launch a Royal Commission into the efficacy of Australian Royal Commissions.

The announcement was made after numerous bipartisan scandals over the past 30 years have been unresolved by a series of Royal Commissions investigating respective issues.

“The criticisms of Royal Commissions is that they’ve long been dog and pony shows with no real teeth and an exercise in the airing of dirty laundry. Well, with this one we’ll prove them wrong,” Morrison told The Strayan.

Morrison would not comment on who would be leading the Royal Commission into Royal Comissions but stated that he’d been told to “fuck off” by Banking Royal Commissioner, Justice Kenneth Hayne.

“We’ll be recommending the recommendations be recommended. It’s then our recommendation that the recommendations be reviewed for any recommendations that might need to be reworked or rewritten.”

The terms of reference remained unconfirmed, but are believed to be a bipartisan venture between the ALP and the LNP, with property portfolios believed to be exempt.

The Prime Minister also announced a new Royal Commission into why the Banking Royal Commission was ever called.

David Llewellyn-Smith
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Comments

  1. Brilliant.

    Humour works well in Australia. Its insulting to the right people but hilarious to others lol.

    Macrobusiness needs to start its own Newspaper and become its own Centrist Media service.

    It could totally work, I reckon ha ha.

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