The Strayan: ScoMo launches JabKeeper

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Sir Fomo McSpruikerson is an expatriate billionaire and proud proprietor of The Strayan, a vanity media project designed to boost his assets.

Australian government unveils COVID exemption for rich wankers

The Morrison government has unveiled a new “COVID passport” designed to fast-track wealthy people through the proletarian hassle of hotel quarantine.

With over 30,000 Australian citizens still trapped overseas, the government has announced a new passport system to expedite those traveling to Australia with significant social and economic standing.

The program will be exclusively available to billionaires, athletes and celebrities, with those with a significant property portfolio considered for exemption.

“This will allow us to free up vital hotel quarantine spaces for the public. We don’t want to give the impression that the wealthy’s money is no good here particularly after we were forced to halt significant investor visas this year,” Prime Minister Scott Morrison told a packed media conference this morning.

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“As we’ve seen recently, we have millionaire athletes suffering in quarantine. We can’t let the image of Australia not being open for business damage our reputation as the world’s premier economic zone.”

Morrison praised the Labor Party for their consent of the scheme.

“This was the brainchild of Andrew Forrest, Kerry Stokes and Mark McGowan after Kerry’s return from skiing in Aspen last year, so it’s great to see we have bipartisan co-operation on this.”

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Morrison stated that Microsoft’s Bill Gates was pivotal on not only the vaccines but the electronic passport as well, which he would have exclusive market access to in Australia.

“I would like to thank the Australian people for waiting in line and remember that we’re all in this together.”

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ALP considers installing wealthy, cosmopolitan female candidate in safe inner Sydney seat to reconnect with Australian working class

The Australian Labor Party are considering changing leaders on rumours the Morrison government is considering calling an early election in September 2021.

The Strayan understands that the ALP leadership are considering knifing Anthony Albanese and installing Tanya Plibersek as ALP leader in the coming months, to challenge Prime Minister Scott Morrison.

“Our whole election strategy will be woman vs man and playing the gender card. Things like industrial relations, wage theft, real estate prices, relationship with China, etc are not important right now,” an ALP insider told The Strayan.

“The message we have heard is loud and clear: we need to get back to our working-class roots. The best way to do that is to install someone from a safe, inner-city Sydney seat worth nearly $10 million, who has worked in the public sector almost her entire life. That will really connect with those Queensland and Western Australian working-class voters and broke millennials.”

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Slashing immigration as a policy platform was quickly rebuked.

“We need immigration for votes so that would be suicide for us to consider, so no. Keneally went rogue on that one and wasn’t serious. We don’t a repeat of unlimited parental visas again.”

Plibersek has denied the rumours, but stated informally she would be excited to bring back the famous Plibersek eye-roll on the campaign trail when asked a serious question.

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Phil Honeywood founds new international tennis and F1 driving school to get students back to Victoria

The International Education Authority of Australia have spearheaded a new vocational college to kickstart Victoria’s broken economy, says CEO Phil Honeywood.

The mediocre LNP politician-turned-lobbyist has entered into a joint partnership with ex-University of Queensland vice-chancellor Peter Hoj, to found the “Glorious Driving and Tennis School of Melbourne.”

The school aims to target the tennis mecca of China and the traffic hotbed of India in importing much-needed skills to Australia.

“India and South America have proven themselves world-leading sources for food delivery drivers so they are first priority,” Honeywood told The Strayan.

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“Victoria makes sense. It’s ponzi economy and One Belt, One Road deal make it ripe for our brand of non-productive rent-seeking, so it was the obvious choice. Premier Andrews has promised us he will bend over, er, backwards for whatever we need.”

“Australia’s economic zone needs a reset, so what better way than to reset migration back to historical levels of 888,000 per year.”

Asked if the school would underwrite the costs of health, quarantine and every other risk associated with the current environment, Honeywood scoffed at suggestions that it was his school’s responsibility.

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“We saw that quarantine was posing a challenge so we’ve found an adequate loophole, as long as it’s done legally. The tax payer will be there to support us and help us create jobs.”

The first pilot batch of students is due to arrive in the next month.

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Australian government unveils new Jab Keeper program for COVID vaccine rollout

The Australian government has announced that it will be rolling out a new program to coincide with the first deployment of COVID vaccines across the country.

Following on from the success of JobKeeper and JobMaker, Prime Minister Scott Morrison has announced the new JabKeeper program, aimed at defeating COVID and restoring Australia’s economy, underpinned by the real estate sector.

The program has the support of both the pharmaceutical and real estate industries, who were able to secure taxpayer funding for an expected huge financial gain.

“I have consistently maintained that the vaccine won’t be mandatory, unless you want to participate in society in any meaningful form. And when it comes to participating in Australian society, we mean Aussie real estate. Negative gearing, FHB grants, you name it – no needle, no negative gearing,” Morrison told The Strayan.

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“This program strikes the right balance between getting people to take dodgy vaccines that have been rushed through and keeping our economy strong.”

The program is set to begin at the end of February, with those who do not take a COVID vaccine set to be blacklisted from owning, renting or investing in a property.

The details are still to come, but it is believed that foreign investors and developers will be eligible for exemptions.

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Netflix announces new season of Narcos to be set in Australian real estate sector

Online streaming company Netflix has announced that the latest series of drug war drama Narcos will be filmed in Australia, and is to be centred around the Australian real estate industry.

In what will be a break from chronicling the infamous South American drug wars of the likes of the Medellin and Cali Cartels, the new series will focus on the financial and intergenerational socioeconomic warfare being waged down under.

“Australia is essentially a property narco state so it was only fitting that the new season be based down there,” a spokesman for Netflix told The Strayan.

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“The Australian real estate industry is up there with any Mexican cartel. There may be none of the gratuitous explicit violence that usually accompanies it, but there is a real bloodbath occurring in every household nationwide. Property is the cocaine of Australia.”

“Escobar, El Chapo and now Trigaboff. It just rolls off the tongue.”

The story line is yet to be released, but it is believed that the rivalry between Domain and RealEstate.com.au and the rise of the Meriton Cartel will be central to the series.

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About the author
David Llewellyn-Smith is Chief Strategist at the MB Fund and MB Super. David is the founding publisher and editor of MacroBusiness and was the founding publisher and global economy editor of The Diplomat, the Asia Pacific’s leading geo-politics and economics portal. He is also a former gold trader and economic commentator at The Sydney Morning Herald, The Age, the ABC and Business Spectator. He is the co-author of The Great Crash of 2008 with Ross Garnaut and was the editor of the second Garnaut Climate Change Review.