Sir Fomo McSpruikerson is an expatriate billionaire and proud proprietor of The Strayan, a vanity media project designed to boost his assets.
Stan Grant awarded Order of the Heroic Exemplar (Chinese: 英雄模范勋章)
Veteran Australian journalist Stan Grant has been awarded The Order of the Heroic Exemplar (Chinese: 英雄模范勋章), China’s second-highest medal for services to the CCP.
Grant hosted a Chinese flag-raising ceremony at ABC HQ in it’s Ultimo headquarters this week, despite a huge protest from the Australian public.
In the face of criticisms that the event was borderline treason, Grant defended the ceremony stating “conceding to China was inevitable” and the ABC was getting ahead of the curve.
“We saw Victoria Police raise the flag last year in Box Hill and that set the standard. I don’t believe we’re doing anything out of the ordinary,” Grant told The Strayan.
“I mean, the CCP have told us that no Australian flag will ever fly outside CCTV in China, so I think we need to take advantage and show that Australia truly is a global country.”
“China have assured me that they take indigenous issues in China very seriously, so for me personally that’s a big plus.”
The ceremony also had support from Hugh White, Geoff Raby and Waleed Aly, who gave a rousing 20-minute monologue on why “China is Australia’s best friend.”
It is understood SBS are planning a similar stunt in January, replacing Australia Day celebrations with a 24-hour tribute to Xi Jinping.
Australia to fight low fertility rate by increasing Aged Parent Visas
Australia has announced that it will fight off it’s declining fertility rate by increasing the number of Aged Parent visas issued in 2021.
The ABS reported last week that Australia’s fertility rate had crashed to a record low following the COVID lockdowns. The Morrison government, in particular Treasurer Josh Frydenberg, has expressed concern and announced that the GDP would be affected unless they resumed importing people as soon as possible.
“What better way to sustain the next generations by bringing in non-net tax paying elderly people who don’t reproduce and generally end up in our health and aged care systems?” Frydenberg told the Strayan.
The plan also has the support of for Department of Immigration Deputy Secretary turned spruiker, Abul Rizvi.
“Now is the perfect time to expedite the pathway to permanent residency for people who have been here all of five minutes so we can cook the GDP figures. The best way to fight an ageing population is clearly to bring in the aged,’ Rizvi said.
Frydenberg said this was a matter of urgency and longer-term solutions would not be viable.
“Sure, we could look at things like making IVF cheaper and more accessible and perhaps not saddling people with so much debt that they can’t afford a house and children. However, that’s too difficult and would require a handful of rich people to lose a lot of money though, so that’s out of the question.”
87-year-old billionaire property developer demands bailout for apartments no-one wants
Australia’s richest man Harry Trigaboff has launched an extraordinary attack on the Morrison Government, demanding more public money to prop up the high-rise unit sector.
The twenty-five-time winner of the annual “Australia’s Shittest Bloke Award”, penned a scathing attack on the front page of the Australian last weekend, to demand the government do more to support the crumbling high rise sector.
“It’s hit Meriton particularly hard. The tap of foreigners that I can sell inner-city air encased in concrete, that was locked on full blast the last 15 years, has well and truly dried up,” Trigaboff told The Strayan.
“Being a greedy old bastard that has contributed nothing to Australia except turning it into an economic zone I can extract profit from for my own self-interest, has really taken it’s toll this past year.”
The announcement drew support from former NSW Premier Bob Carr, who oversaw the biggest flood of high rise apartments in the nation’s history.
“Harry was in my office nearly every day during my tenure as Premier and if anyone knows what’s best for Sydney, it’s him,” Carr said.
“Sydney isn’t full, only in the Eastern suburbs.”
Study unable to determine what Sally McManus actually does as ACTU Secretary
A new study has been unable to determine what Sally McManus has actually done in her current role as ACTU Secretary.
The study, commissioned by the Institute for Institutions, found that McManus spent a disproportionate amount of time on activities not related to actual industrial relations.
The study discovered that in a typical day, McManus spent 80% of her time at work tweeting about various political issues regarding diversity, why we need more imported workers and action on climate change.
A further 10% was waving through one-sided trade deals that don’t benefit Australia and another 10% engaging in media interviews that went nowhere.
McManus disputed the study as “clearly sexist” and denied accusations that she was purely a gatekeeper for the long term white-anting of Australian unions.
“The isn’t accurate. After signing that compact with the Migration Council of Australia, Innes Willox assured me that he would take care of my role and delegate a lot of the work out and he has done so,” McManus said.
“It’s given me more time to focus on really important stuff to the working class, like woke politics that I’m told many Labor voters and working Australians are very passionate about.”
RBA announces future monthly meeting minutes to just read “Money Printer Go Brrr”
The Reserve Bank of Australia has announced that future board meeting minutes on the first Tuesday of every month, will contain just 4 words: “Money Printer Go Brrr.”
The announcement comes after Phil Lowe admitted earlier in the week that it “couldn’t be arsed keeping up the charade of sacrificing the entire economy at the altar of house prices.”
“Given our actions with QE and the TFF, I think this is a lot more succinct and saves everyone a whole lot of time and hassle,” Lowe told The Strayan.
“We’ve painted ourselves into a corner the last 15 years, so it’s only fitting that the quality of press release reflects the quality of action at the RBA.”
Lowe said this wasn’t unusual and had first considered the move post Hayne Royal Commission.
“We had issues with copy and pasting meeting minutes the other month as you’ve seen. It’s getting rather difficult and frankly, boring, finding new ways to say the same vacuous shit over and over again while we railroad the entire economy.”
APRA has announced similar for their press releases, believed to be entitled “lending standards go bye bye.”
Australian housing affordability crisis solved after Jess Irvine suggests First Home Buyers stop buying cans of cherry tomatoes
Fairfax economics journalist Jess Irvine is being hailed a national hero, after a breakthrough policy suggestion in her SMH column has solved the housing crisis plaguing Australia overnight.
Irvine’s simple suggestion? Cutting out cherry tomatoes.
“Finally, I get the credit I deserve. Writing superficial economic bullshit is a hard slog,” Irvine told The Strayan.
“The answer was in front of me the whole time. Here I was thinking that debt, flatlining wages, land banking and mass immigration were the four main drivers of an incredibly complex ponzi scheme driving the whole thing. All I need to do was cut out some vegetables from the weekly shop and voila, the great Australian dream.”
Irvine reported her monthly mortgage repayments had gone down .0004% and look forward to shaving a few days off the 30-year, $2 million dollar mortgage for her 2-bedroom townhouse in Rockdale.
“Bernard Salt really was a genius with the “no smashed avocado” suggestion, but I guess my idea was more successful because I’m an easily suggestible millennial and not a patronising, self-interested boomer like he is.”