Sir Fomo McSpruikerson is an expatriate billionaire and proud proprietor of The Strayan, a vanity media project designed to boost his assets.
Andrews announces Melbourne to build world’s largest ever monorail
The Andrews government has announced that it will build the world’s largest monorail in Melbourne to “reboot Australia’s finest ponzi economy.”
A week after declaring it would spend $2 billion on the Suburban Rail Loop with no business case, Premier Daniel Andrews has announced it will build the world’s largest monorail in addition to it.
Despite concerns about Victoria’s massive debt and questions about where the funding was coming from, Andrews was quick to dismiss them.
“These are the benefits of VIC’s Belt and Road deal coming through. Monorail manufacturer Dung Du Pong Group is headquartered in Melbourne’s sister city and BRI got us a great deal. They’ve even thrown in the labour for free. It’s win-win for Victorians.” said Andrews.
The project was lauded by the Property Council of Australia who said it “couldn’t wait to build more of Australia’s finest, one bedroom apartment towers around each station.”
“High rise isn’t dead in this country, not by a long shot,” a spokesman told The Strayan.
“All of those Chinese workers will need a dog box to live in. We’ll have these stations surrounded with overpriced, flammable crap in no time. It’s all about jobs and growth.”
The proposed monorail is estimated to cost over $2.5 trillion dollars, catapulting VIC back into national economic leadership.
A naming competition is also expected to take place with “Ghost City McGhost Face” the hot favourite.
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Labor rebuff claims that book releases interfering with actual job of being in opposition
The ALP have rebutted claims that the release of several MP’s autobiographies are interfering with it’s ability to be in opposition.
The calls come after three Labor MP’s released autobiographies within a week, including one from opposition leader Anthony Albanese.
The autobiography entitled “Albo: Keeping the Empty Chair Warm” was released on Thursday to mixed reviews. The book details Albanese’ struggles in reconciling a $200,000 a year public salary, giving tacit consent to the LNP while also pretending to care about his electorate once every three years.
“I think the release of this book will put to bed any rumours that we’ve given up trying to do our jobs and are settling for permanent opposition,’ Albanese told The Strayan.
“This just confirms yes, it is true.”
Meanwhile, Tanya Plibersek has also released her book “Tanya Plibersek: Danger in a Safe Labor Seat” as well as Jim Chalmers’ debut “In Search of a Personality: The Jim Chalmers Story.”
Former PM Malcolm Turnbull has also criticised the move, stating “they at least could’ve waited until they’re out of parliament, then you can give as many excuses ann be as insufferable as you want.”
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ACTU in crisis after failing to locate rubber stamp to approve RCEP Trade Deal
The ACTU is in crisis tonight, after failing to locate a rubber stamp to approve the Regional Comprehensive Economic Partnership trade deal recently signed by the Morrison government.
Facing a wave of criticism over the secrecy of the deal and it’s effects on Australian workers with a potential further influx of cheap foreign labour, the ACTU have moved quickly to approve it and avoid any pesky public debate.
“We’d rather just approve and not bother with the scrutiny. Labor have said they’ll take a strong look at it and that’s good enough for us,” ACTU Secretary Sally McManus told The Strayan.
“However, there are no rubber stamp manufacturers left in Australia and the FIRB have used up most of the import allocations over the years with all the foreign asset and real estate purchases.”
“This reminds us of the time we rubber stamped CHAFTA. We couldn’t find one initially but luckily the CCP delegation had plenty on hand and we were able to approve the agreement,’ McManus told the Strayan.
McManus has announced that more rubber stamps are on order from China.
“If these stamps aren’t carbon neutral, then we’ll have to start all over again.”
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Government considering adding “Food Delivery Rider” to Skilled Occupation List after row over delivery driver deaths
The Morrison Government is reportedly considering adding “Food Delivery Rider” to the Skilled Occupation List, after a spate of deaths in the industry has sparked controversy over treatment of foreign workers.
After five delivery drivers have died in the past couple of months, outrage has grown in the sector and sparked calls for greater protection for riders.
“If there are more deaths in this industry and there will be given the way many of them drive, then obviously there will eventually be a skills shortage so I think we need to get ahead of the game here,” a spokesman for the Morrison government told The Strayan.
The move was widely supported by the Business Council of Australia and Australian Industry Group chief Innes Willox.
“The answer to this problem is obviously shifting the risk elsewhere and in this case it’s taxpayers,” Willox told The Strayan.
“Moves such as mandatory Australian licence testing, restricting work rights for student visa holders, banning these companies unless they pay company tax, etc are too hard and get in the way of upwards wealth transfer.”
“Making it a specific visa subcategory would just be another chapter in that good old Aussie story of privatise the gains and socialise the losses, that we’re famous for. Besides, those of us in the Eastern suburbs have better things to do than go down to the shops and pick-up food, when we can just order a third world coolie to do it. “
Dr Liz Allen has already supported the move, tweeting that she intended to start a new ‘Dr Deliveroo’ side hustle utilising unemployed students from ANU.
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Dominic Perrotett says Sydney needs to replace Opera House and Harbour Bridge with high rise apartments
NSW Treasurer Dominic Perrottet has drawn criticism this week, after suggesting that the Opera House and Harbour Bridge need to be demolished in favour of residential real estate.
Perrottet came under fire for an article in the SMH earlier in the week, that stated several buildings were on his ‘hit list’ as outdated and needed renewal.
“There’s a great opportunity for Sydney here to rejuvenate and do what it does best – real estate,” Perrotet told The Strayan.
“I think we can all agree that the Opera House and Harbour Bridge have become eye sores and are in need of replacement. It’s time to Build Back Better.”
Perrottet has stated that plans have been drawn for floating apartment towers across the Harbour Bridge and that traffic impacts would be minimal.
“The high-rise apartment tower has now surpassed both of these Sydney landmarks as being the most iconic Australian image internationally – I think it’s time Mascot Towers and Opal Towers replaced them for 2021.”
Meanwhile, plans are also underway for the NSW Liberals to move their head office to the HQ of Meriton Apartments, which Premier Gladys Berejeklian said is “completely unrelated.”
