The Strayan Weekly: ABC calls 2024 US election for Harris

Sir Fomo McSpruikerson is an expatriate billionaire and proud proprietor of The Strayan, a vanity media project designed to boost his assets. 

ABC News calls 2024 US presidential election for Kamala Harris

The ABC has gotten ahead of the curve and called the 2024 US presidential election for Kamala Harris this morning.

With the 2020 US election still in the balance, the ABC boldly declared that the 2024 election was already decided despite not getting one poll correct for 2020.

“I’m confident that this will be a Harris landslide, so if we just pull up the board here it will show a 10% swing to Harris in all of these states. So, I’m calling all 50 states for Harris,” Antony Green said.

Green rebuffed accusations that it was way too early to make a call of this nature.

“I’m considered a national treasure, no matter how many times I’ve got it wrong in the past. So no, I don’t believe I’ll be wrong about this and can retain my smug demeanour.”

ABC chairwoman Ita Buttrose defended criticisms that the pro-Biden bias of the ABC tainted the 2020 broadcast and stated that the network’s election coverage was second to none.

“We spent enough unnecessary money on the 2020 election so that’s blown our budget out until 2024, we may as well call it now,” Buttrose said.

“I mean sure, we could have easily streamed the election from US networks like everyone else did and had people who actually understood the nuance of the whole thing. That would have proven the correct approach.”

“However, if it’s one thing Australians enjoy other than worshipping house prices, it’s patronising lectures about how Americans should run their country and we wouldn’t deny our audience that opportunity.”

*****

“America’s political system is broken” says Australian calling for Federal ICAC

Australians have lashed out online at the ‘corrupt nature of America’s broken political system’ after the US presidential election has produced a stalemate, that is likely headed for the Supreme Court.

Thousands of Australians took to social media to give their opinions on the situation, with heated and fractured debate transpiring everywhere.

One incident of note was from Melbourne man Chris, who let his feelings known on Facebook.

“How bad are the septics aye? Can’t even elect one guy on an election night. It’s obvious special interests and corruption have ruined their system. That country is stuffed, mate. Just shows you how broken it is,” Chris proclaimed.

“I’m so lucky I live in Australia, where I’m fined if I don’t turn up to choose which one of two equally shit choices will sell us out and kowtow to China. That’s why we’re the lucky country, mate. Kangaroos, clean air and beaches.”

However, Chris’ mate Dave pointed out that just last month Chris was posting non-stop of the need for a Federal ICAC into Australian politics, citing branch stacking scandals, vote fixing and dummy candidates in council elections, general corruption and foreign interference.

“Chris don’t you think it’s a bit hypocritical to point the finger overseas when we have massive problems here?” Dave retorted.

However, Chris didn’t bother with a response and instead took a more direct approach.

“Yeh, I unfriended him because I don’t have time for that.”

*****

“Just piss off already, Kevin” petition draws one million signatures in an hour

A counter petition to have Kevin Rudd piss off for good has set a record for the amount of signatures in an hour.

Over one million Australians have signed a petition to ban Kevin Rudd from public appearances, citing how sick they are of patronising lectures and constant narcissism from the former Prime Minister on a range of issues.

The petition came after Kevin Rudd’s current crusade for a Royal Commission into Rupert Murdoch’s influence in the Australian media and political landscape has become noticeably insufferable.

“Yeh, we know Murdoch sucks Kevin but Ninefax, the Guardian and the ABC/SBS don’t offer any alternative. Where’s the balance?” one astute commenter noted.

“I’d just wish he’d fuck off entirely. Only so many times you can claim you ‘saved Australia from the GFC’ through money printing, letting foreign buyers in and increasing immigration before it becomes insufferable,” another commenter stated.

“This guy was endorsed by Murdoch back in 2007 and now he’s having a whinge about media ownership. Will the Royal Commission examine his involvement spruiking China and Big Australia?” another retorted.

Rudd was unusually unavailable for comment, but told The Strayan he was preparing a three-hour television special to address the petition.

*****

New MortgageKeeper payment plan lauded by RBA as stroke of genius

The RBA has announced it will support the Morrison government’s bold new MortgageKeeper payment plan to underpin the Australian housing market.

After cutting the cash rate to a record low 0.1% earlier in the week as well as announcing QE, the RBA stated they supported the move to support Australia’s struggling mortgage holders.

‘Can’t pay your mortgage? Never fear, the Australian government has your back. Now with Mortgage Keeper we will pay your mortgage for you. There’s never been a better time to buy!” Treasurer Josh Frydenberg told The Strayan.

“You saw last month the success of Rent Seeker for struggling landlords. It was only logical that we also support owner-occupiers as well, particularly in Melbourne where the market is really strong.”

Deputy RBA Governor Guy Debelle stated that the idea came from Phil Lowe himself, after a few too many in the RBA boardroom on a Tuesday afternoon.

“Well, Phil had a few too many glasses of Shiraz and no Wagyu that day to balance it out. We thought he was off his face, but we soon realised he was the sober one all along after he came up with that,” Debelle said.

“However, as you can see it’s a stroke of genius and the RBA will do everything we can to protect house prices and support Australia’s recovery. I mean, just like war what else are we good for?”

Terms of the deal are set to be announced shortly, but it is believed both 25- and 30-year home loans will be covered in the plan.

*****

“Immigration has nothing to do with house prices” says property developer begging for Australia’s borders to re-open

One of Australia’s leading property developers has stated Australia’s property market is ‘stronger than ever.’

Custodian CEO John Fitzgerald has stated that the Australian property market is ‘incredibly strong’ but would be even ‘stronger’ with overseas buyers returning straightaway.

“Get in quick now before the borders re-open. The Gold Coast is pumping and the only way for prices is up,” Fitzgerald told The Strayan.

“However, I think it’s really important that Australia opens it’s borders right now. It’s hurting Australia’s economy and we can’t shut off from the world forever.”

“We also can’t get the migrant workers for $5 an hour with no superannuation that we used to so we can build the bloody things. For the love of god, the borders need to be re-opened.”

When questioned on the hypocritical statements, Fitzgerald was surprisingly candid.

“Selling a few square metres of air in the inner-city to foreigners, built by cheap foreign labour, has got me where I am today. People need to realise that Australia is an economic zone and this country and society rubbish has no place in the global community.”

“Immigration is vital for property, er, prosperity.”

*****

Greens announce new policy direction of solving each political issue by Jenny Leong giving it the finger

The Australian Greens have announced a revamp to their broad political strategies, after an internal review found them largely irrelevant.

The Greens have scrapped all of their political policies in favour of a photo of Jenny Leong giving it the finger.

“This is our boldest political move since the 90’s when we quietly deleted our sustainable population policy for fear of being called racist,” Greens leader Adam Bandt stated.

“Jenny is undoubtedly stunning and brave as is this policy. This heralds a new direction for the Greens as being aggressive in solving the issues facing this country, much like the time we turned our backs in parliament instead of debating the issue.”

“Unaffordable housing, wage deflation, youth unemployment – you name it, Jenny Leong will give it the finger.”

It is understood that Greens MP in federal parliament will also adopt this policy during Senate debates.

However, Leong herself was confused as to how this would apply to environmental issues.

“Environmental issues? What are they?” Leong said.

David Llewellyn-Smith
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Comments

  1. 10/10 great stuff. ABC particularly accurate. Their coverage was insufferably bad and biased – who gives a sht what Chas Ricciardello thinks?

    Ended up watching Joe Rogan’s stream anyway.

    • Their coverage was insufferably bad and biased – who gives a sht what Chas Ricciardello thinks?

      Ended up watching Joe Rogan’s stream anyway.

      Irony level: sublime.

      • You mean Joe Rogan (who voted libertarian, is American and is actually funny) who had Kyle Kulinski (lefty politcal analyst) and Tim Dillon on (lefty) and has had three democratic candidates (Yang, Sanders, Gabbard) and no republican candidates?

        Nuance helps, but as usual you have nothing interesting to say.

        • “Who gives a sh!t what a comedian thinks.”

          “Ended up watching a comedian’s stream anyway.”

          • 100% I did – comedian who voted third party, who has directly interviewed candidates in the race at length and has a track record of understanding the issues and nuances of the system he’s invested in (and has some great material on as well) along with some great livestream guests on other sides of the political spectrum on the night vs some Australian guy who used to be funny on the chaser, but has proven to me repeatedly on Planet America and the ABC that he knows very little and has a strong ideological bent in a certain direction, unfortunately driven partially by his employer.

            Nuance is awesome. Me breaking my rule of not wasting time responding to valueless snark, not so much.

  2. News round the ridges has been fairly down beat lately, and, as they have been filming the latest Tom Hanks film, Essentials on the beach out front of my joint at snapper rocks, Ive been thinking what the real essentials are, apart from a few beers and barra and chips at noon each day.
    And state of origin for the next few weeks, mid week. QUEENSLANDER
    Maybe Hanks is on to something, certainly the females on the set have the essentials, but now Elon has released this tonic I will try some-looks to be essential enough for me.
    Tesla tequila: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqazTUFzkD4

  3. TailorTrashMEMBER

    “Selling a few metres of inner city air “ encased in concrete …indeed ……
    ….let’s see if uncle Xi puts the kybosh on those “exports”.
    ….doubt it ….all future claims on straya

  4. a vanity media project designed to boost his assets

    If it’s designed to boost his assets then it’s not just a vanity project. It’s also a profit-seeking project.

  5. Forgive my ignorance and current lack of Google-Fu.
    As far as voting in the US election goes, is there anything in place to prevent a voter from voting more than once?

  6. johnwilliamsmithMEMBER

    Dear Sir, I am writing to complain that the Strayan completely failed to cover the brilliant investigative report from the Coate inquiry. Revolutionary recommendations such as: electronic rather than paper records should be kept; public servants should keep notes and brief their ministers;in a pandemic one department should be in control instead of them all doing their thing and people managing quarantine should understand their responsibilities have the capability to transform government in Victoria please can you address this in a future issue