The Strayan Weekly: Aussie expertise on US election at all-time highs

Sir Fomo McSpruikerson is an expatriate billionaire and proud proprietor of The Strayan, a vanity media project designed to boost his assets. 

AFP raid Alan Kohler’s house after airing critical opinion of mass immigration on ABC

The Australian Federal Police have raided the home of ABC economist Alan Kohler, citing national security concerns over a piece that aired on the ABC last week.

The long-serving ABC business analyst was also taken in for questioning by AFP officers, shortly after a vignette criticising Australia’s mass immigration ponzi scheme aired on the ABC. Kohler was released without further charge and is yet to comment on the matter.

Treasurer Josh Frydenberg told the Strayan that such opinions are an issue of national security and incredibly dangerous to the economic stability of the country.

“I was alerted by Treasury staff about this piece yesterday and I promptly telephoned Ita. She assured me it would get the memory hole treatment after I reminded her about funding,” Frydenberg said.

“I’d thought we done enough to bury our intention to fire up the ponzi again asap in the Budget Papers, but unfortunately people actually read them this time.”

Frydenberg stated both the ABC and Kohler need to seriously reconsider their position.

“I really don’t want to give Alan Kohler the Emma Alberici treatment. God forbid we’ll have to hire Bernard Salt or The Kouk to replace him and I will if I have to.”

Opposition leader Anthony Albanese said he would take a strong look at the matter, but shortly thereafter gave his tacit consent to the government.

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Study finds 99% of Australians experts on US politics a week before a US election

A new study has found that 99% of the Australian public are self-appointed experts on US politics, the week before a US presidential election.

The research, conducted by the Australian Institute for Global Policy, found that social media and online activity increased significantly near the end cylce of the US election.

The study noted a distinct increase in patronising lectures, references to some trip years ago to LA and Las Vegas to qualify personal experience and engaging in polarised social media debates.

“It’s like the Olympics, although this time the average Australian doesn’t spend 4 minutes preparing for it, let alone 4 years,” Professor Barry Lewis told The Strayan.

“Giving patronising lectures to Americans about how to run their own country is a national sport here in Australia. Whether it’s foreign policy, economics, guns, immigration or whatever, there’s no shortage of Australians ready to puff their chests out.

However, like most things in Australia it’s overrated and not much beneath the surface.”

“Who needs nuance when there’s an easy, social media dopamine fix on offer?”

Professor Lewis said the study also showed that it was fine to have an opinion on the US, but it often came at the expense of issues closer to home.

“Like any country the US has plenty of faults and issues, but the US election provides a unique outlet for Australians to pontificate at others to mask gross insecurity about the growing multitude of internal problems that we refuse to address here at home.”

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ING and Meriton unveil new one-bedroom apartments that can fit minimum ten migrant workers

A historic partnership between ING and Meriton has unveiled a new line of one-bedroom apartments designed to cater for migrant workers.

Vast swathes of empty apartments in the Sydney and Melbourne CBD’s will be transformed into migrant worker housing, after concerns of a glut of empty apartments have been looming for some time.

Innes Willox told The Strayan that he hoped to get this project underway as soon as possible.

“This is revolutionary and will facilitate the reboot of Australia’s two greatest industries – rent seeking and wage exploitation,” Willox said.

“With the Chinese bailing on property and the prospect of Australia unfortunately having to employ locals again, this initiative has found a way to solve those emerging problems and continue with the status quo.”

The existing apartments in the Sydney and Melbourne CBD will be retrofitted, allowing sleeping quarters for ten or more migrant workers. The plans also include ‘deluxe models’ that will allow up to 20 migrant workers, with bathrooms being abolished and being replaced by a bucket and hose.

“We were able to do away with previous planning limits of six to a room, through a series of donations to both Melbourne and Sydney city councils,” Meriton boss Harry Trigaboff said.

Melbourne Mayor Sally Capp said she was delighted with the initiative to rejuvenate the CBD into a cultural hub, bringing the third world experience to the world’s most liveable city.

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Reserve Bank of Australia announces ‘recession over’ at stirring speech in front of Opal Tower

The Reserve Bank of Australia has declared the Australian recession over, in a stirring speech from in front of the deserted Opal Tower in Sydney.

Deputy Governor Guy DeBelle made the announcement yesterday, that despite the greatest economic depression in the history of Australia, it was all over and it was time to go back to business as usual.

“Mission Accomplished,” Debelle told reporters at the foot of the abandoned building.

“I’m proud that our comprehensive program of unprecedented corporate socialism and moves such as allowing companies to trade while insolvent, have underpinned a fundamentally strong economy.”

“With all of that behind us we can get back to doing what the RBA does best – unproductively protecting house prices at the expense of everything else.”

When asked why the RBA was still forecasting 10% unemployment, on the verge of announcing negative interest rates and would this mean growth was possible without mass immigration, Debelle remained defensive.

“I think our esteemed track record on wage growth predictions speak for themselves. I mean you’d be nuts to cancel Job Keeper and all the rest of it now, but that will have no meaningful impact on employment anyway. So, house prices to the moon from here on in it is.”

DeBelle had to cut the speech short as cracking was heard again at the site, but stated the RBA would be making further next week.

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Australian middle managers go on strike to oppose work from home

Australia’s middle management class have gone on strike to protest the move to work from home across the nation.

Managers from both the private and public sectors joined forces to oppose what they deem as a ‘direct threat to their employment’ and an attack on Australian jobs.

Scott, a manager at accounting firm KPMG, said the white-collar sector was under attack by the push to relocate work back to the suburbs.

“I’ve made myself a pretty comfortable career out of riding the backs of my productive staff and taking credit for their work,” Scott told the Strayan.

“How can I do that via Zoom?”

It’s not the private sector wearing the brunt of the losses. Australia’s public sector management class has also been severely impacted.

“It seems the days of playing office politics to get to SES level as fast as you can is over,” Susan, an EL1 from the Department of Agriculture.

“I knew fk all about the job coming and have been able to successfully bluff my way to this level. Look’s the party is over.”

However, a spokesman from the ABS refuted the concerns about job losses.

“The data is actually showing no discernable difference in outputs and an actual productivity increase. So in other words, no-one’s noticed the manager isn’t there in most cases.”

David Llewellyn-Smith
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Comments

  1. Have to agree on the experts on US politics. You would think that the people who got 2016 so wrong would hold their tongue this time around or at least get better informed about the issues…..just a little bit of history repeating I guess.

    • I’m am American, and I predict a Trump loss, in fact a landslide loss. You can take that to the bank. Bookmark this statement and hold me to it.

      • you are on the ground you see these things better than us here in Oz and you are probably right. But, considering what happened in 2016, I’ll believe it when I see it.

  2. TailorTrashMEMBER

    The problem with trying to be funny when commenting on the state of straya is it’s hard when it all reads like the truth .

  3. Yeah, good fun, DLS. The migration items are getting closer to my own Olympian level of cynical resignation.

  4. Better to remain silent and though of as a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. Aussies are bush lawyers when it comes to US politics. Even the supposedly informed commentariat are bereft of anything insightful.