Sir Fomo McSpruikerson is a local billionaire and proud proprietor of The Strayan, a vanity media project designed to boost his assets.
Frydenberg orders Parliament House to replace toilet paper with copies of Hayne Royal Commission
Treasurer Josh Frydenberg has ordered all Parliament House bathrooms to replace their standard toilet paper with copies of the Hayne Royal Commission.
The move comes right after the announcement by the Treasurer of intending to trash responsible lending standards for mortgages, that were instituted post-GFC.
Frydenberg said the move was standard operating procedure.
“This is not a new policy, we’ve been doing this for some months in Liberal Party offices since at least 2018,” Frydenberg told the Strayan.
“We’d previously had the Australian Constitution installed in the bathrooms, so this is only a minor change.”
Frydenberg stated he had bipartisan confidence and support for this issue, and that Labor only wanted to ‘take a strong look’ at the report before it was installed in cubicles.
“I think we have a strong, bipartisan track record of taking a steaming dump on the Australian public and economy and that this is just wiping any doubt of that away.”
It is understood the RBA will be doing the same in it’s offices, which marks a change from previously using wage growth predictions in their bathrooms.
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Frydenberg orders Parliament House to replace toilet paper with copies of Hayne Royal Commission
Treasurer Josh Frydenberg has ordered all Parliament House bathrooms to replace their standard toilet paper with copies of the Hayne Royal Commission.
The move comes right after the announcement by the Treasurer of intending to trash responsible lending standards for mortgages, that were instituted post-GFC.
Frydenberg said the move was standard operating procedure.
“This is not a new policy, we’ve been doing this for some months in Liberal Party offices since at least 2018,” Frydenberg told the Strayan.
“We’d previously had the Australian Constitution installed in the bathrooms, so this is only a minor change.”
Frydenberg stated he had bipartisan confidence and support for this issue, and that Labor only wanted to ‘take a strong look’ at the report before it was installed in cubicles.
“I think we have a strong, bipartisan track record of taking a steaming dump on the Australian public and economy and that this is just wiping any doubt of that away.”
It is understood the RBA will be doing the same in it’s offices, which marks a change from previously using wage growth predictions in their bathrooms.
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Mark McGowan holds community prayers for WA economy after bulk ore carrier crews test positive for COVID
WA Premier Mark McGowan has led prominent mining billionaires and the Minerals Council of Australia in an emergency prayer session this evening, after reports that crew members on two foreign bulk ore carriers off of the coast of Port Hedland had tested positive for COVID.
McGowan led prayers at St George’s Parish last night, but assured the public that after the initial panic the WA border remained strong.
“Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit was my first thought,” McGowan told the Strayan.
“I’ve been the hard man on border closures, except for Mr Stokes of course, and that’s reflected in the polls run by The West Australian.”
“I think we all know one outbreak in Port Hedland or on a mine site and we’re fucked. We won’t even be able to crap on ad-bloody-nauseum like we always do about carrying the nation’s economy.”
McGowan remained adamant that the situation was critical and recalled the panic in the Premier’s office when the news broke.
“I had Gina on one line and Twiggy on the other. This is a standard Monday for me, but this time there was far more urgency. Twiggy suggested to stop testing altogether and we’ll do that if we have to.”
McGowan also noted other contingency plans were in place, and that REIWA was on standby to spruik the property market further if mining fell over temporarily.
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Abul Rizvi says the best way to fight an ageing population is to import more elderly migrants
Former Immigration Deputy Secretary and current cash-for-comment expert Abul Rizvi, has stated that the best way for the Australian government to restart it’s economy and fight off ageing population concerns, is to increase the number of elderly migrants.
The call comes as the Australian government look for ways to reboot the immigration program it has relied on for 28 years to prop up the economy.
“The government should not only be looking to restart the student program as quickly as possible, but also putting more focus on the family reunion program particularly parent visas,” Rizvi said.
“I mean, resuming wage theft is one thing but cheap childcare for migrants that are net negative tax payers, while locals pay through the nose for childcare, is an important economic boost for this country.”
“It will especially boost the aged care sector. It could easily do with a bit more vibrancy in the COVID era.”
Rizvi scoffed at suggestions that this policy was proven economic suicide and that the Productivity Commission’s previous findings that further proved it a massive burden to the Australian tax payer were ‘racist.’
“I personally advised the ALP on that policy at the previous election and boy was that popular with the electorate. So much so, they don’t need to mention it again, as it goes without saying.”
Rizvi also stated this policy was also personal for him.
“I have elderly relatives that can’t get here. Of course, they are retired and no longer contribute to the economy but Australia is one great retirement village, so they’ll fit right in.”
“A little bit of self-interest never hurt anyone.”
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Property developers publicly thank John Barilaro for taking the heat off them for koala habitat destruction
NSW’s property developers have publicly think embattled NSW Nationals leader John Barilaro, after his support for laws supporting the destruction of native koalas directed the heat elsewhere.
Barilaro is on mental health leave, after threatening a government split over a policy regarding the protection of koalas in regional NSW.
However, koalas weren’t the only winner with the property industry also celebrating.
“Phew! That was a close one,” Meriton managing director Harry Trigaboff stated on Sky News this morning.
“For a moment there I thought we were going to cop some well-deserved backlash. I already have a track record about my attitude towards the bloody environment and native species. I’m glad the farmers and the Nationals have decided to take one for the team.”
“I mean, yeh, we should be building everywhere, even in the Blue Mountains all the way out to Goulburn. Why stop at Penrith? Go to a bloody zoo if you want to see an animal.”
Barilaro was unavailable for comment as he was sourcing a location for his new AirBnb, believed to be a donation from an unknown real estate agent.