Who will replace Do-nothing Malcolm?

Let’s ask the $1.75m question one at a time. Who will replace Do-nothing Malcolm?

Tony Abbott

• complete bastard politician;
• demonstrably able to unsettle Labor;
• good campaigner;
• solid populist and master of the slogan;
• strong national security background with credibility in “stop the boats” and Muslim dog whistling that could transfer credibly to the coming anti-immigration agenda;
• could be a kind of weak facsimile of “strongmen” leaders like Trump, Putin etc.
• could unite the party through its conservative wing and destabilise One Nation;
• demonstrably inept PM;
• un-electable as an already failed troglodyte and would entrench the loon pond but has the advantage of lingering legitimacy having been elected.

Scott Morrison

• real estate flunky;
• soiled by Do-nothing Malcolm;
• poor Treasurer with so little vision that I miss Joe Hockey;
• bumbling and truculent under pressure;
• decent national security background with credibility in “stop the boats” that might transfer to the coming anti-immigration agenda;
• moderate conservative that could bridge the party divide
• unknown campaigning skills and not exactly frightening.

Julie Bishop

• very popular;
• effective foreign minister;
• soiled by Do-nothing Malcolm;
• would struggle to sell an anti-immigration agenda given moderate background;
• would divide the party anew as she is not conservative enough.

Peter Dutton

• head-kicking moron;
• charisma deficit;
• decent national security background with credibility in “stop the boats” that would transfer to the coming anti-immigration agenda;
• could unite the party through its conservative wing and destabilise One Nation but it’s not obvious that he has the skills.

Josh Frydenburg and Kelly O’Dwyer

• too young;
• insufficiently conservative;

Greg Hunt

• vacuous.

Christopher Pyne

• $80bn pork fixer.

The cupboard is awfully bare but Australia needs Tony! (sarc)