The Sensational Foster’s Buyout!

In an odd juxtaposition, the bogan, while poorly informed on almost all matters, will still have an opinion on most things, and is actually a relatively voracious consumer of media. The media have long known the enticing power of the bogan buck, and once their websites gave them the power to monetise bogan clicks, and the ability to count those clicks, internet news trends were set in place forever. While news websites are thus invariably plastered with images of women in varying stages of undress, links to stupid stories about bogans and various other trollbait, there has been an increasing move to boganise the news. When an event happens, it cannot simply be reported; there must be an angle of bogan interest. This week, this directive collided with reality with the force of several poorly-timed Jagerbombs.

When UK-via-South Africa brewing giant SABMiller made a play to buy out Foster’s Group earlier this week, it was a lead story on almost all newspapers and websites. Bogan fear merchants Today Tonight led with the story that yet another Aussie Icon Was Being Taken Over By Big Foreign Business. Unfortunately, there really wasn’t a great deal of news. SABMiller had offered $4.90 per share for Fosters, which was politely refused, and which pushed the company’s value up 30c/share. Moreover, even if the sale went ahead, there really wasn’t a great deal to report. The Aussie beer industry is already a virtual duopoly between Foster’s and Lion Nathan (owned by Kirin). It would simply become a duopoly between Foster’s (owned by SABMiller) and Lion Nathan (owned by Kirin).

We at Boganomics saw this, and shed a single lonely tear for the hard-working folk at Fairfax, News Ltd and Channels 7, 9 and 10. Even the ABC. So, in our guise as Maxtreme Consultants, we’re here to help. Here is the story of the sale of Foster’s that the bogan wants to read. After all, why let the truth get in the way of a good yarn?

‘Trouble Brewing: Foster’s Sale to Lead to Nationwide Beer Crisis’

There was rioting in the streets of three major capitals today as the sale of Foster’s Group’s brewing arm to foreign invader SABMiller, based in the former apartheid-riven nation of South Africa, led to the rapid doubling of prices for beer across the nation, and the withdrawal of all foreign beers brewed in Australia. Non-violent beer drinkers across the country observed 2 hours of silence as a sign of mourning and a symbol of unfathomable grief, as they came to terms with the invasion. Not since introduction of the cane toad into Australian shores has the public witnessed such pandemonium and fear for their very survival. At the time of writing, it is estimated that at least three South-African nationals have been killed, with many more suspected to be hiding in secret safe-houses stocked with abundant supplies of Biltong, a specialty South African beef jerky and multiple cases of SABMiller Foster’s beer.

An Australian beer industry spokesman, James Foster Cooper, raised serious concerns about the future of the nation and its national beverage, saying that “this is the worst thing that could have ever happened to us, as a country. It’s simply impossible for our industry to go on. It’s a very real possibility that we will run out of beer in less than a decade.”

“This is a nightmare” wailed Troy Connell, as he absent-mindedly tossed a chair through the window of a local JB Hi-fi in Eltham, Victoria.

“These foreign c***s come over here, buy up all of our beer and run off with our cash. I can’t even get a f*****g Corona today!” he said, in sentiments shared up and down Australia’s eastern seaboard.

Meanwhile, pensioner Ted Kingston, of Prospect, Adelaide leant over his beer at the RSL. “It’s ridiculous. Doesn’t the government realise we’re doing it tough? All these immigrants coming to our country, driving up prices and taking our jobs. It’s just unfair. Gillard just doesn’t seem to understand. Why doesn’t she do something about this?”

Industry experts suggest that with the concentration of brewery ownership remaining precisely static as a result of this aggressive buyout that beer prices could increase by as much as 3,000%, driving up demand for black-market alcohol shipped in by various Asian criminal organisations. “We could be seeing the beginning of a decades-long descent into anarchy” opines beer analyst Bill McGovern of BIS Shrapnel. “It’s the rum rebellion all over again”.

SABMiller and Foster’s representatives could not be found for comment prior to deadline.

With Agencies

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  1. What you mean a possible shortage of Beer bellies ,Bar fights and Burbs…Pigs Arss they will…
    Tell’em it’s 8 bucks and then 10 after that
    Take our drinking rights cheap,no way Pigs Arss again…
    If this national importance doesn’t come to a head soon,Ya better get,Jules and Tone ,push a bill ready for the senate to pass this weekend-
    Saying that Ozzie Home-Brew Kits
    be tax exempt ,from Monday…Priority stuff it is…
    Ozzy’s can get pretty lost without hang-overs when nothing feels the same….as happy hour and a favorite..or

    Now I hope that put the throth back on the burner ,where it belongs….cheers JR

    • +1

      The bogan reporters across the MSM have done some hatchet jobs on the series. Unfortunately, the people who watch it aren’t the ones who need to watch it. They will be watching The Block or ACA or similar tripe.

  2. I’m seriously hoping the bogan doesn’t get wind of this article TBL!
    If they thought for a moment this was true,( & they would!), the ensuing blood bath would make the Cronulla riots look like playschool.

  3. Sam Birmingham

    “James Foster Cooper”

    Love it! That’s the kinda guy I want to be standing next to at the bar when Friday drinks kicks off!

  4. Bag O'Turnips

    Keep the Coopers out of this…they have thus far resisted the many offers to buy out their still family-owned concern. Plus they make many a good drop, somehow magically transforming Adelaide tap water (remember the D-Gen, during the early 90s fad for “clear” products, how they once had a skit about launching their line of Clear Adelaide Tap Water, stating that clear gravy was easier to make!) into something incredibly tasty and refreshing.

    I think you’ll find that the name of the said spokesperson is actually Nathan Foster, previously known as Nathan Foster-Miguel, now that San Miguel Brewing of the Philippines sold Boags to Lion-Nathan/Kirin a few years ago.

  5. We clearly forgot to mention the Greens applauded the increased price on beer, as it would help reduce the carbon emissions from the actual beer itself.