Full moon parity

The Australian dollar is the only currency that the bogan believes in. It’s the currency that last year’s designer drug can be purchased in, it’s the currency that Centrelink can be defrauded in, and it’s the currency that can be acquired in wholesale volumes when one goes to work in the mines. While Australia’s economy was doing very well through the middle of last decade, there was a problem. Other nations were also doing well, and the exchange rate of the Australian dollar was not high. This weighed heavily on the bogan’s heart whenever it proposed to venture to Thailand, Bali, Thailand, or Bali.

Having a moderately valued currency was like getting beaten at cricket by Bangladesh. Bogans were unhappy. Unable to afford yet another Contiki Tour, a meeting of bogans was convened at the local glassing barn. The first idea raised was that everyone should join the army and go invade New Zealand so at least to cripple their currency. This suggestion was received positively, but due to the fact that bogans mainly just talk about joining the army, it was not practical. The second idea raised seemed irrelevant, but turned out to be inadvertently genius. “Bugger this, I’m going to go work in the mines”, uttered one bogan from underneath its Von Dutch trucker cap. And so it was, even more bogans moved northwards and westwards to dig holes for their Chinese overlords.

Soon after came the subprime mortgage crisis in the United States, which subsequently became a debt-crisis that engulfed the developed world. But not Australia; it even avoided a recession due to the ongoing Chinese demand for Australian holes. Miraculously, the Aussie battler dollar began to rise from the canvas. Unsteady at first, it lurched past 90 US cents in October 2009, falling back again in mid-2010 due to the deferral of interest rate rises. While deferring interest rate rises pleases the bogan, deferring the inflation of the Aussie dollar displease the bogan very nearly as much. Hence, like the little ANZAC that it is, it came again, digging some more.

On Monday, 31st January 2011, the bogan woke to find the lemon-coloured morning sunlight playing whimsically on the folds of its Ultimate Fighting Championship bedspread. On this glorious day, the Australian dollar had surpassed the US dollar for the first time since its float in 1983. The bogan reclined in its bed, entertaining pleasant fantasies of magic omelettes, maxtreme tats, hair extensions and an orgy of full moon madness, not to mention monstrous bright pink Hummers costing just a week’s salary. The bogan was king of the world, right where it belonged. Chants of “Aussie Aussie Aussie, oi oi oi” could be heard rattling up the McMansion-lined avenues of suburbia.

Sensing its patriotic duty, and with the “stuff is cheap online” mantra of people who dared to disagree with Gerry Harvey rattling in its ears, the bogan jumped on its computer, and bought things from overseas websites, wielding its Australian-denominated credit card like Marshy used to do in the one-daya. To complete the forgiveness process of Tiger Woods, it purchased a $2,000 Tiger Woods Tag Heuer golfing watch. It would have cost heaps more a few months previously, and this purchase would be the perfect way to breathe life back into the abandoned “get my golf handicap below 10” new year’s resolution from 2004.

Here we see the performance of the almighty dollar over the past (almost) twenty years, and a critical point on its journey, heretofore named the ‘Wii Threshold’. This is the point, at something like 80 US cents, that the bogan has sufficient money to buy <insert appropriate imported electronic good>. Below the Wii Threshold, the bogan cannot afford the product it requires, but instead will enter into a new round of debt in order to access it. This is most likely the reason behind recent improvements in the national savings ratio. It is not due to a newfound level of austerity among the nation’s bogans trying to pay down debt; it is simply that the bogan’s discretionary spending is being funded by an undervalued greenback.

Unwittingly, the bogan’s acquisition of foreign products was limiting the dollar’s capacity to rise further, but the bogan did not care, because more holes were getting sold to China, and if Western Australia endures Queensland-esque flooding, those holes will become completely sick places to do some maxtreme jet-skiing. While Australia’s non-mining export industries (like… um… Keith Urban…) are suffering due to the value of the dollar, Keith’s problems do not register on the bogan’s radar unless expressed in song form, preferably in a duet with Bernard Fanning.

So for now, the bogan strides along the glittering promenades of its local Westfield with a spring in its step. Its Aussie dollar is totally sticking it to the yanks, its Aussie dollar is totally enabling boganism to ascend to the next level of consumption, and its Aussie dollar is currently driving BHP Billiton to develop an Olympic-standard hole in South Australia that brings with it the hope that the Australian dollar will supplant gold as the one true store of value. Unless China decides that it prefers Mongolian or Brazilian holes, but that won’t happen, because the bogan knows that Australian holes are the best in the world.

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  1. ARRR..sheebe Right..Mate. We got Plenty
    What ya worrin about…it’s Buueatitful..

    Nice infill,pack-down and level..
    Smooth too..shame I missed the party
    too much study..
    cheers JR

  2. Can’t help but feel a little sorry for the bogan as he was sold a lie and swallowed it hook, line and sinker.

    As Morpheus said in the Matrix: “You take the blue pill and the story ends.” “You take the red pill and you stay in Wonderland…”

    I guess the blue pill is heading their way…

    • The Bogan took BOTH the blue pill and the red pill, swilling it down with a bacardi breezer spiked kool-aide.

      As the bogan wiped its mouth with its tatooed forearm and fist-pumped triumphantly, its bogan clan slapped it on the back and pronounced him “A f’n legend!”.

      As the heady mix of chemicals coursed through its veins the bogan partied harder and harder. Ignoring the fat chick that that started the party, brought all the food and was in charge of the music.

      Other party goes just piked out early when the music got shut down. But the bogan announced it would “Rock on WOOOOOO!” and kept swilling the kool-aide.

      What the bogan hasn’t thought about yet is the consequences of the hangover. It has to get up and go to work but may find that its job isn’t where they left it, that the red pill was fast-acting and kept the party going last night, but the blue-pill was slow release and now they see the gritty “reality”.

      They’ve woken up pinned under the fattie – her name is Deb.T.D’Fault

      • I knew a girl like that once – or was that twice?

        Anyway, she lived out west and her last name I believe was Dallas.

        Not sure if they’re related. 🙂

      • barkeep @ ye olde glassing barn

        Nah, you just head down to emergency to get your stomach pumped to remove those pills. But I tell ya what if there is other people ahead of you in emergency and you have to wait then it is an outrage and our health care system is stuffed.

    • I doubt Hogans(P) coming back ,he’s probably at Morgan’s ,
      something ,that’s not a..and
      Hot under the collar
      Apparently he’s got a great Air-con ,hardy used..and Friday-night’s…
      slide night….

      Just Rumors

  3. innocent bystander

    put yr AUD where ya mouth is I say – just bought a van with Rockingham WA number plates – “Bogan and Proud”

  4. Love the Wii threshold – so true!

    I admit I’ve been going crazy buying books for my new Kindle (bought when AUD was almost $1.10 USD).

    Not that I have any time to read them…… 🙁

    • barkeep @ ye olde glassing barn

      Phillip Morris you say?
      Good to know it is a forum for concerned citizens, worried about the plight of the everyday smoker.

      • Man,no time to smoke at MB ,Unless it’s Hot Blogs and comments….we get Bored
        we beat each another up…

        Forget the haze..it’s ,’suck and weave’ round here..
        Umpired ,deleting coarse..n
        Jentelmens Rules

  5. The great ozzie dollaroo is bringing the bogans and the hipster to together in a special moment of bonding.

    The bogans swap full moon party tales while hipster fill their renovated ‘workman’ cottages with cultural snowdomes from cambodia or south america

    The bogans rejoice at the falling price of aircon and garden statuary while hipsters getting closer and closer to a vintage eames chair and good copper pans

    At last some national unity

  6. “the glittering promenades of its local Westfield”… aaaah is there a finer place to be? 😉

    Most excellent indeed. hehehehe…

  7. “Aussie dollar is totally sticking it to the yanks”

    Are you sure about that. The high AUD is rotting a majority of the Aussie economy.

    • This is not something that occupies the mind of the bogan. If our dollar is worth more, we’re winning. End of story.

      • Mismo,

        Winning what….. The rest of the Australian economy is rotting away, housing marketing is crashing, unemployment is going up and the only thing that is winning the mining industry……. Yeah Australia is really winning.

        • Yes LBS we know, Mismo may have seen and heard for him/her-self expressions of great Aussie pride in the value of our dollar. I’ve heard it, some people really see this as a global rugby game in which we are winning. Eg.

          – “Just look at our dollar”
          – “Now is a great time to go to Thailand”
          – “The Yanks have really trashed themselves”
          – “And we have China”

          All over the dollar overtaking the US. Not as many people look at Australia’s Economy and situation and say, “Oh boy!, Oh dear!” time to wisen up.

          Many people believe (bogans perhaps) Australia punched off the GFC, not realising (by their own debt x many people), a credit facade covered it (for a while?).

          • Correct. Robert Gottleibsen wrote a useful piece on this topic in Business Spectator a couple of days ago. It outlined in reasonable detail and balance the ways in which Australia’s broader economy is being warped and adversely affected by the commodities boom, particularly the way the RBA is approaching the potential increase in interest rates. But, as I said, the bogan doesn’t care. The exchange rate is a scoreboard. If our dollar is beating America’s, we’re winning. We’re the king of the world!

  8. What counts is purchasing power parity of net disposable income and trend of same.

    With reference to Janets inflation in what you need and deflation in what you own, the trend is PPP/Quality up Vs Quantity down.

    Where the wheels come off. Many years ago, in the USSR/Russian collapse, an industrial city out in Siberia, which provided regional electric power, had not been paid in months. They were at breaking point psychologically. The straw that broke the camels back was that the state issue of cigarettes had not been fortcoming. The entire city, everyone, went on strike. Hell to pay in Siberian climate.

    When all hope is lost. For the bogan, with evaporating quantity of dollars it will be the same.

    Smokes over $15 per packet. No note in change of $20.

    Alcohol. Ditto psychological pricing points on the wine cask and cartons of beer.

    Fuel. Trending toward $2 per litre.

    When you remove these social coping mechanisms, it will be like rubbing sandpaper to their arse. Watchout.

    No legal drugs or mobility. Trapped and knows it.

    Bogan + pensioner = political change.

  9. Bag O'Turnips

    Urgh, pink Hummers…so gaudy and gauche.Stretch limos made from Holden Caprices and American Lincolns are tacky enough and black Hummer H2s elongated are an extension of such tastelessness, but I draw the line at hot pink variants of the latter.

    They have them over East too? Sheesh, I thought these were a local exclusive imported from Hollywood to cater for boguette hen parties, where these said “ladies” (I use term very ironic sense) get together to suck down Rohypnol Blue Breezers through phallic straws are conveyed in these wagons, doing bog laps of Kings Park (to those of you who’ve never been to Dullsville Perth, has commanding views of the city skyline and the Perth Water estuary of the Swan River).